I can't Stop Obssessing

          I can't stop thinking about my birth father. It felt magical when I met him, like I had a father for the first time. I feel good knowing that he loves me. I finally feel belonging. My past life seems like a dream, and now I feel ready to take on my new life. But I am so angry at those who do not validate my feelings of elation and excitement at meeting my birth parents. I feel like it is a slap in the face to me, how they all think I should be satisfied with my old way of living and if there is trauma in me from being adopted so long ago, I should deal with it all on my own. They can't be bothered to listen and see me in the light of who I really am, my pain and hurt along with it. my mother perhaps gets to me the worst, because she fakes sympathy and happiness of me meeting my birth parents, but since she never understood me and never took me to visit them enough or spoke to me about my trauma of being cut off from them as a baby, I feel it is all fake and a farse and she is just waiting for me to get past the feelings so she can have me again to vent to of her issues and things she expects me to pay empathy to her for. I am soo mad, anger boils under my skin. I really hate how adoptive parents say things like "After I adopted the child, they became MINE and I wanted nothing to do with their first families." It hurts so much, as if we are just objects for them to use. That is exactly what my birth Mother's adoptive mother told me when she met me. She had tears in her eyes as she hugged me, and I felt nothing towards her because I knew she rejected my birth mother because she didn't turn out a perfect, good looking image that she can show off to the world about. She was a disgrace to her, and now she has the nerve to say she wishes she can meet all of her children, and it made her soo happy to meet me because she had a wall up until then that she did not realize was there. Well then, why does she think adoptees don't have walls up because of THEIR missing blood family who they had never met?

I feel elated and highly confused about my life currently. I hope I get back to normal soon, or at least back to some sense of happiness. It is too jumbled in my mind now, about meeting them, and a part of me is still missing them and is very upset that I left so fast. I still want to get to know them, but I guess I didn't think I wanted to stay because I am used to leaving people quickly and not expecting any real relationship to amount. A part of me is terrified that I will be rejected, or that it won't turn but as good as I thought. Scary thoughts. I am also getting to the reality of that no parents are perfect, and an inner cynicism is making me feel guilty for expecting my life to be better than any other people I know who's parents are and were awful to them. I am holding on to the fantasy that my parents will be loving and great, never hurting me, because I guess I have a fragile little heart that cannot handle the pain of them rejecting me. I feel like a special snowflake that went through too much pain, even though no one sees it and thinks my life was just like any other's because I grew up with two adoptive parents. Therefore, I feel I have no right to complain about being sad, and I better be grateful for everything I have.

But subjectively, a part of me would be devastated beyond word if any of my birth parents truly rejected me. I really want them to love me and respect me. I cannot handle the thought of them becoming abusive and enmeshed with me. Call me spoiled and ungrateful. Can't help my feelings.