I dont feel seen

-
I feel unappreciated in marriage. I do not feel seen for my worth. He says he loves me, but I don't feel it. He doesn't compliment me for the huge efforts I make in trying to hold my life together, trying to be happy. He doesn't notice how I make supper every night for him and think about what he would want. He doesn't notice how I get up and take care of the baby all day long, paying attention to her needs and mine at the same time. How I strive to grow and be joyful by watching YouTube videos that pump me up and make me feel not alone in my struggle. How I weed out all the negative people from our lives and control our interactions with them so as not to drag us down. How I try to life our self-esteems up by finding out and researching information about why we would fall the way we do when it comes to using our expression and talent in life to be happier.

I just don't understand him. What is going through his mind when he just takes everything passively? When he claims to love and appreciate me? When he doesn't go out of his way to show me love? When I feel so lonely and lost in life?

He sees me cry and break down in sadness, but he is too hesitant to show me affection and understanding. He said it was because he can't access it in himself, and I remind him of his pain. He still calls his Momma and Daddy like a good little son, asking how they are. Even after all the emotional abuse they did to him. I just don't understand.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Insanity

-
          I am so angry. When did everything become so okay? When did emotions become so evil? Why are people so evil? I was pushed down all my life, and gas lighted by every one I know. I am beyond angry, I want to scream until everyone can hear me and get shaken up to their core like I was. Unless they really are not human, and are just masking it in their human bodies. Pretending to be happy, pretending to care, pretending to smile. When all their lives they were just LYING. Lying to me that they were right and I was always wrong. I was never able to feel my feelings. They were always bad and stupid and immature and petty and silly, well I almost died from them, does that satisfy them now? When it all blows up in their faces and they are left shocked with ugly disfigures. HA!          Omg I sound insane, crazy, delusional, straight up retarded.          I don't know what I was meant for in this life, but it...
Read more

Projecting Our Inner Fragmentation on Others Makes Us Need To Control Them

-
We can only change others if we are whole inside. Otherwise, they will sense that we are trying to control them... For our own sake. To make us feel better about our own blocks. I realized this as I was trying to make new friends. I wanted validation for who I am... But I get confused with how much I want. I know that I need to have self-love first because then I am just relying on others for my self-worth. To make me feel good about my shortcomings. And then it usually falls flat, because they cannot fully contain all my issues. Joe Soll my adoption therapist, told me that a husband or wife cannot be a therapist to one another. That makes perfect sense, because they need to live alongside each other, and not constantly dealing with each other's issues. I guess, I confess, that I have been trying to change other people in every relationship in my past. I did not accept their differing viewpoints, because I felt so in lack myself, and thought that I had to get other's approval...
Read more

Finally Accepting Myself

-
I am realizing more now that my daughter is affected by my withdrawing because I can’t focus and be present, and I am lacking seriously in love. It comes from the lack of love for my certain parts, thinking they are unlovable. It scares me when I see her talking on and on to me, trying to extract attention from me in neediness to be seen. It also worries me when I see her not feeling comfortable to eat, because I am not paying attention to her and making her feel comfortable. I worry that she hides her pain of not being loved because I am impatient and short with her at times, I guess because my own inner self was not loved enough at her age. She also tries to hand me back food, as if imitating me trying to please her. I also realized that my intake of not the healthiest foods, like corn cakes and cheese, teaches me to want them also, and then I give them to her those kids of food and keep salad and fruits for myself, while she just nimbles on them. This makes me realize that I am no...
Read more