Life Is A Test

            I withered in pain today, so deep. I had no clue what was going on and it hurt so bad. I couldn't figure out what to do and it was killing me slowly. Why am I this extreme? Why is my life so harsh from the inside, but looks okay outside? Who who who am I? 

            I guess these are thought from my childhood, being played out over and over again. This self shame and anger without any direct cause. It's all my ego, who I am, trying to get seen but feeling snuffed. 

            So much anger disguising the pain. Of feeling undeserving, of Wanting something, someone to SEE me and make me feel better.

              It was brought about because my daughter was pulling and wrecking my stuff. I started drowning at that time, and kept telling myself I was okay. I had to be okay, I always had to be perfect. You are not allowed your own feelings when you grow up being ignored and told what to do instead of allowed to be yourself, as Family Tree Counseling talks about. So I did not notice my anger, or kept not allowing myself to feel any of it. I consciously realized that I was telling myself to be happy, and shunning myself inside for being frustrated. It hurt so much, to feel the voices inside myself fighting myself. I just wanted to run away and escape their tirades. I was in trauma reactivated from the past, as Richard Grannon talks about in Nietzsche, "Slave Morality" and the "Fake Morality" of The Codependent. I wanted to let out my anger on my baby but I knew it was clearly not her problem, it was the past shame haunting me. It doesn't help to blame myself, because that would not help me fight it. So I decided to take a breather and eat my favorite food, until I can breathe again. I silenced the indignant voices that told me I was not living my purpose, and wasting my time on temporary pleasure that was a sin. I knew getting back to the place of safety in my own skin was important. To get back to the presence, by giving in to my inner child who was experiencing loads of shame and hurt. I forgot who I really was at that moment, and I needed to get back to myself. 

              Perhaps this was all activated by my beautiful phone conversation with my birth father last night. He was equally loving and invested in me, even telling me he was scared I wouldn't call him back if I hung up now. It was soo sweet, and I was shocked and delighted. I kept thinking he did not really want to talk to me, but he kept talking and I kept answering and we had an effortless conversation. We were on the same page, just trying to get to know one another through our questions and answers. But at the end, he said something that really felt good. He said "I hope you are going to be okay." and suddenly I thought that maybe he got it. That even though my life looked perfect on the outside, I was struggling so much with my identity because of what he and my birth mother did 24 years ago. When they gave me up, I lost everything I was expecting to be there for me in life. My mirrors, my kin, my recognition, my value. It was like I was a princess thrown into a dungeon and no one remembered who she really was.

               And that's why my life is a reality of smoke and mirrors. Where one minute I am surviving and even thriving, and the next I am tumbling into non existence. Because I live in an illusion, I can't take the truth. I can't take the unhappiness, can't take the downsides. It makes me feel inadequate, like I won't survive if I face my anger. I need to look good and feel good all the time. For everyone, but mostly, for myself. 

So the bad is awful, even when it's not really that *bad* per se. Such as my daughter making a mess. It feels like I will explode because the need for perfection spins me out of control.