Meeting Birth Parents - On a High

I'm on a high. Met my birth parents tonight and it was out of the world. I was shocked when I saw my father because his eyes were so blue and his hair so light red when I have dark hair and eyes. But I have reddish highlights. And his nose turned up like mine. His personality shocked me too, it was so similar to mine. How he was so bashful yet warm and loving too. He had a certain containment to him that I share, like we are watching the world and taking it in but don't necessarily feel the need to be part of it. Loners, yet not lacking sense. Very low self-regard. As if we don't even care to feel bad for ourselves because that would not be productive. Went straight to the realness, saying how we looked alike and I laughed and laughed. He apologized a bunch of times for the "messy house" which it really wasn't so bad. He kept saying wew! As if he was still shocked to meet me. He tried pushing my birth Mom out because he was self conscious of the mess, and that was my first look at him. I burst out laughing when I saw it was him who was my father. I was just in shock and delight that he was so quirky like me, and I felt awed that he cared so much about us his biological kids. That he had pictures of my biological sister and her family, and was saying how she looks like his sister. Instant gratification that he was so interested, and not just throwing us away like we didn't matter. It struck me hard that he really cared, and that people do care. That my birth Mom and Dad Did want us. That we Did matter. Do matter. Birth Mom told me on the phone that he wouldn't wanna meet in the pizza shop, but he Did want to meet me. He was very charismatic, there's a slight chance he was faking his interest and loyalty to us, but then why would he join us to head to her house? He did tell me that they wanted to keep us, but were too poor and tried to go to court to get us but judges didn't let.

They have a funny relationship. Sort of like brother and sister. Joking and laughing that they wouldn't have more kids, and that he didn't give her his number but he gave it to me. Because I asked for it, and he said to call anytime. And he took my email for when he can get to a computer. 

They don't have internet, their homes are dingy little apartments. Birth Mom is very motherly, she tried to get me water and gave us cheese and a chocolate croissant and a cucumber and a box of pasta. She also tried to feel my daughter poutine from a fork, and shoved it in her mouth which my daughter did not want so I had to say firmly to stop. She does not know boundaries, and wanted to grab my daughter who was struggling to get away from her. I firmly took my daughter and explained she did not want to be held by her now. I felt strong and empowered. She listened. Sitting on the couch with the two of my parents, I felt pride and their eyes on me astoundingly. I was proud that I found them, and proud that I was taking my life back. I questioned her if she ever found out about her real father, and she said no, that all she knows is he was intellectual, and it must have been a one night stand. I told her she could get her real birth certificate, and I plan to. My birth Dad was shocked at that, and Mom was wary and said she was too old and didn't care to do it. She kept going back to saying she had her adoptive parents, and friends, and didn't need to find her birth family. She was grateful when I told her about meeting her biological uncle, who is 73, and that they have similar mannerisms. She met him years ago, and when she saw the picture of him recently she was surprised that he had white hair. 

With her past schizophrenia, she is pretty smart and sound. She just doesn't trust people and let them in. In the pizza shop, she was very quiet and I was afraid she wasn't interested in me or anyone. I was scared she was like my adoptive father and couldn't see others or talk to them unless it was all about her. But she spoke, and was happy with the album I put together for her. It was perfect, with the few pictures of her birth Mother and grandparents and them some pictures of my siblings and I growing up, and then wedding pictures of mine and pictures of my daughter. She even commented jokingly that it skipped our teens and went straight to my wedding pictures. We all laughed and I said I didn't have much from those years. I was impressed by how she was serious and pretty practical, like how she knew where we could park and gave me money as a gift and told me she wanted to help us more because we had a hard time paying rent monthly. 

When I asked her about her own birth Mother, and how she was when met her, she said in a non attached way, "Oh she was 60 and in a nursing home because she tried to kill herself and wrecked her legs." I was shocked, and sad. 

I seem to take after my father much more in my emotions and self image getting in the way of living practically and being present in the moment. He was amazing too, but just more self focused. Which is not a bad thing, I think he is very self aware and respectful. I heard he has low self-esteem and has Asperger's, but I don't see it, I think he is perfect in his own way. I guess I see myself in him. He is with it and smart. Like when I told them that I am so glad to meet, and I feel I have more of a face of what both my parents look like now, and I used to wonder a lot and feel like something was missing, he said, "Did you find it? Where we everything you expected or are you disappointed?" Very intelligent and intuitive. I answered affirmative, that I was definitely better now because I had nothing before and now I have something. He said it just "happened," and that's all he could describe about it. He seemed pushed back in time, and was reliving his memories of losing us. He said he liked my adoptive Mom, she was always nice. He was sincerely upset when he heard they were divorced. 

He liked my husband, and was well mannered to him. We all took lots of pictures, to freeze time to remember each other before the inevitable separation again. Who knows how long it'll be? But we're accustomed to it, it is in our veins and we know how to live with it. Or coast along with it. With all the emotions of this trauma locked inside, us terrified to let it out and shown.

But my biological sister showed her emotions a lot for the first time. I had a talk with her about the downside of adoption, and she kept angrily saying she was grateful, especially after seeing our mother and knowing how she neglected her. I think in the pizza shop she got a taste of her mother's true side, her pain and sadness. She asked her about our births before I got there, and she was red eyed and crying when I approached my birth Mom after 18 years of not seeing her. She videoed it, and was shocked at my cool, because I was usually the emotional one. Which I am, but I am strong emotionally too because I have been through some of the tears before. She admitted that to meet her half sibling after decades of not knowing they existed was exciting but sad too. So I think she finally got it. And although she treats our birth Mom as a child, telling her what to do and what not, I think she finally was able to open her heart to feel her as a human that is very much her mother. And she respects that. And I came to realize that they are both soo different from me, in that they do not focus fully on their emotions as I do. I admire and am envious of them, but it also helps me see my goodness too and humbles me that they are better and needed in other ways. Like practical speech and physically being present. But I am okay the way I am. My husband told me just be yourself if they like it, good if not, move on. You'll be happy being you at least.