My Baby Is Her Own Person and Projection

           I am soo grateful for what I learned yesterday with Anne Thistleton, it changed my views on things so much!! I learned that when my daughter is in silly mode and I get all nervous about it, I am in my trauma and not seeing HER view, and like Anne says, I can be pushing her away when I ask how she feels and she turns away because she is thinking, "That is YOUR stuff and I don't want to deal with it". She does not necessarily feel so distressed as I perceive her to be. 

             It is relieving and refreshing to now know that she has her own life and story, and that just because I may not be perfect as a mother because of my issues it does not mean it's the end of it all. We still have a bond, and even if I can only see her feelings 30% of the day, it is still something and more than most other parents, excuse my bluntness. Of course I don't want to STAY on that level, but I need to learn in order to get higher. I'm seeing that slowly opening up to more knowledge about my triggers helps me be able to see her freely, without my "stuff" getting in the way. Because I could have layers upon layers that are on top of seeing HER stuff. 

             This is why it's true that control patterns in "Aware Parenting" comes from the mother or parent, because the child has no clue that they need to distract themselves with something unless the parent enforces them to. For example when the mother rocks her baby every time he is distressed, because she cannot handle his feeling that way because it brings out her own pain. The child then gets used to covering his feelings, and it is a pattern. Since I do see her feelings sometimes, nursing her to sleep is not bad because it makes her tired and that comforts her. As long as I do not use it every time she is upset. It all depends on how much I can take her emotions, which comes from how much I can allow her to feel them by seeing them. This will happen when I get passed the negative connotation of it from my own problems. 

          What I think about myself matters the most. Because then I will project my best self outwardly, and people will like me too for who I am. And it'll be fake if I didn't really love myself, and fall apart eventually too. 

          About my husband, I was watching Alan Robarge's video on YouTube about feeling invisible in relationships, and he said if you felt robotic because your parent didn't show interest in your internal life, you will be not used to having it seen. I realized that I have a hard time feeling seen because no one asked about my emotions growing up, or cared about them, so I project that he doesn't, either. But he is just a bit nervous about asking me about my feelings because in his home nobody spoke about their true feelings, so he wants me to open up myself and he is interested. 

            I AM SO happy to know that it is possible for me to one day be able to truly see her, to be a good mother to her. I told Anne that I never felt I could be a good Mother because I felt incapable of caring for a child, and she said it's really great that I am doing this work. I said it's the only way I saw fit because I love my child and NEED to see her happy.

             So it'll take time, but with the tips I learnt it's already getting better. For example, when she makes her silly noises, it's okay to repeat after her because it connects us when she sees I see her. I was not aware of this, I thought I had to do more to show her I was there. But that's from my feeling abandoned in childhood projecting onto her.

            It's like Magnetic Mama says- when you are raised by a narcissist (I add or a mother who did not see your emotions as separate from her), you do not know how to be with your child and you do not know you are a good parent because no one ever made you feel good enough. But you are good enough, and your child needs you just the way you are- being happy with them. This makes them feel safe.

            Another thing we did was helping me through Somatic Experience (SE) to see how I felt stress and where in my body it was. When it was too much for me, meaning I was in the trauma vortex, I said so and we went back to finding where I felt calm and focused on that until it brought the trauma feeling down. She said we will slowly get to cover the trauma feeling with the good feeling and I'll learn to recognize it and cover it when it comes up. I am so excited because this means I will be able to see my daughter more clearly and not only through my own stuff. The more I can see my own problems, the more I will be able to transcend them and then focus on my daughter's problems.