Narcissists Hate Truth Because It's Against Their Ideology Of Everything Being About Them, And Stopping Self-Deprication

             I heard in a video titled How to Scare Away Narcissists by Understanding Narcissists, whom I love listening to on narcissistic abuse recovery because he is so truthful and clear, that narcissists hate truth so if you speak your mind they will run. It is very distasteful to them because it is against their whole logic and ideology, for they are all about falsehood. This is so true to me; all the experiences I had with narcissists have showed me that they are so completely twisted in their ways of thinking. I thought I was insecure and tried to show my best foot when meeting new people, even though I knew I was acting and the show fell apart sooner or later and I was left alone, when they INSISTED to continue it all their lives, even behind closed doors. I used to admire it and envy it quite a bit in those day, 4 years ago, but after I tried so hard to knock down their walls to no avail it disgusted me to the thousandth degree. I felt they were walking hypocrites and disgraces of humanity because of their doing everything to be the best and win everyone's favor with their charm that they had absolutely no room for other's needs or wants at all. I think that was what made me desire to change and attract normal, capable of loving, people into my life. It was a long journey, though, until I was able to believe myself worthy of not placing importance on the rough-necks and people harming me for their own upgrading. It took a lot of strength for me to find myself worthy of wanting a life for my self, and stepping up to people who did not believe in me. It was all programmed by my self-degrading and low sense of worth stemming from years of inner shame, which was backed by self-made and outside generated finger-pointing shame. Singling me out for having been adopted, therefore not as worthy as everyone else, ignored at home, inner dis-ease of my traits and looks because I felt the ugly/bad baby syndrome for having been adopted, and soo much more. The more I awaken to loving myself, the more I feel powerful and worthy of sharing and appreciating my gifts and traits. I was not a mistake, I am just as beautiful as everyone else. It's funny, many times in codependents they look towards everyone else as being worthy of life and goodness, but deem themselves unworthy, as YouTube channel begood4000 talks about. This is no longer a solid belief in me; I am recognizing more now that my uniqueness is special and useful in it's own right. As so many spiritual YouTubers have been saying recently: it's time to use your gifts and give them back to the world. Whatever they may be, they are important to share because nobody else has the exact traits you have in creating them. Worldwide Self Hypnosis says it in video Old Souls and Avatars of Resolution Part Two, that it is important to use your unique voice and we have kept coming back many lifetimes in order for our souls to finally be HEARD. I clicked on a video by Trevor Ilesley called Stop Running Away From Sharing Your Gifts, and it spoke  about how everyone was born to give their gift to the world. I guess the reason this always scared me is because I always felt not good enough. The prospects of "making it" seemed too far. This was me pushing myself down because of all the shame, though. I truly am happiest when I am helping others with whatever I have. I cannot give what I don't have, and it takes time to become very good at things. I may as well start with what I have, and that is decent writing skills and a love of sharing what I learn. Because I have more confidence in my worth, I see that it is good and I love to share and create. I no longer worry AS MUCH about how others see it and it's flaws. As Ralph Smart says in 10 Things You Need To Stop Doing To Yourself- stop being a perfectionist!! It gets you nowhere. :)

           Now that I feel stronger as a unique person, I no longer push away thoughts of success because of the fear and doom of failure. I can see myself succeeding more, and am not trying to hide shame for fear of rejection. 

I do think it helps to be away from the toxic people, as Conscious Reminder talks about in 11 Things Anyone Will Understand When They Have Been Emotionally Impacted By A Narcissist, that even people who love you can be bad for you because they constantly make you feel not good enough, and they deny your emotions and make you repress them. This is what my Mother does, and being away slowly makes me feel stronger inside.