Nervous Laughter and Repression In My Baby Triggers Me

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         My daughter really triggered me yesterday. She started cracking up nervously and biting me when she was done with eating. Then she made spitting sounds and rubbed her head against me back and forth. Anger rose in me, and I put her down. I sat on my bed and buried my head in my blanket. What was making me so angry? Why was I spinning out of control? I realized it was because of her vulnerability and acting nervous like she didn't trust anyone and had to cover up her emotions of distress and fear. 

         I felt that growing up. Like I had to act silly and odd to hide my tension and nervousness. Deep down I felt inconsolable and like nobody noticed. So I guess when she acts that way it makes me feel burdened with the task of saving her from those feelings, when I was never given help for them myself. I dread it and it becomes overwhelming. 

          I am selfish and it feels good to admit that. I also felt like my own crying of that feeling was stifled and locked in me, I couldn't get it out and it panicked me. So I tried to think about it, and then afterwards I was able to be there for my daughter a little better. I hugged her when she cried from bumping her head. I know that was not enough, that she has more pain, but slowly does it. She helped me see my unheard pain.

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