Ramblings About Feeling Unworthy Of Blessing and Scraps of Childhood Anger

I feel like I'm good and worthy, but something holds me back from fully experiencing God's love. I think this is because I have a hard time with trust. Trust that people really love me. Trust that I am valuable. I so want to feel God's love more, but a part of me feels broken, and I can't fully hold it in me. I try every day to do what's right, to take care of my family and feel happy, but sadness overtakes me and exhaustion uses up my emotions. I have a hard time feeling grateful for my life when I feel so unworthy of it to begin with. It is a struggle to feel okay the way I am. I am broken inside, and I'm angry and self blaming a lot because that's how my mother made me feel as a child.

I realized that when I feel this unworthiness and lack, it makes me feel the need to be in control, and things spin out of it and I self blame. This is the opposite of feeling taken care of and trusting that things will go well, and being joyful in doing what I can with my abilities. No, it's when I don't feel held and supported that I feel the need to do EVERYTHING alone. 

I remember being angry at her but her just trying to make me happy by giving in, just to avoid my angry feelings, instead of making it okay to feel. This was because she could not take me not liking her, as if it was all about that. She constantly says that she was hurt when I showed signs of not liking her, and she even gets hurt when my BABY turns away from her, as if BABIES can determine if someone is like-able by how much they smile at them. It is truly messed up, because babies are just needy people and they only know love by how much a person gives to them. Ignoring a baby's need for boundaries and not leaving them alone is NOT going to make them want to smile at someone!

When my husband met her on the street, she said she missed seeing my daughter and talking to me, and he told her that I feel angry about how she treated me in my childhood. She answered that no parent is perfect and she will wait for me to let it go. As if she was not willing to admit her fault. My husband and I realized that all the times that she listened to me and "validated" how I felt about pain from adoption was fake, because she admitted not to believe them and she also once said that she let's people tell her their problems just so they feel good. But then where is SHE in the relationship, if she does not agree with them?

I was so bothered by that, like she thinks she can just intrude in my life when I am upset at her and it doesn't matter? I just don't understand the boundaries or lack of them of this woman. She always told me how she thought I should treat my daughter, as if I was a bad parent for not following those ways. Such as having to make her sleep through the night even though a professional told me recently that up until a year old it is normal for a baby to wake up after 5-6 hours for a feeding, and they need to feel trusting that you will provide them with one, and how I have to put her down on the floor more even when she is still insecure from our traumatic separation at birth and calls for me on the floor sadly. The therapist said it is important for her to be able to consent what she needs in regard to being separated from me, and to do so lovingly. I agree that it is not nice to go away from her when she needs me. 

Magnetic Mama on YouTube talks about how after narcissistic mothering a person sometimes gives too much to their own child, because of the unhealthy having to say "yes" to everything in their childhood to please their parent. It is important for me to have boundaries with her too, then, by saying no when it is too much for me. I do not want her to become narcissistic and learn she can have whatever she wants and use it to manipulate me.