Truth Comes Out from my Narcissistic Father

         I had a bit of a shocking time today talking with my father. His mind is slowing down, and my mother said he finally said he was ready to divorce her, after 35 years of making her his personal caregiver and being all passive aggressive about his anger at her, but letting it out by verbal abuse. While she wasn't much better, by pretending everything was okay but telling everyone how difficult he was and ignoring his outbursts and claiming she tried her best. She happily took it and went. However since she is such a people pleaser she is still caught in the caregiver role, since he makes himself so helpless and needy of care that he stayed in her sister's house for the past three weeks. Up until now, because they are redoing their house and so my Mother made the hour drive to get him and placed him in an expensive hotel for a few nights until the house was back to liveable and they can move him back. 

         I did not take it as a surprise when my mother texted me to visit my father, and that she was staying with him to give him supper. So this morning, I decided what the hell I was just going to visit my old father and pay my respect. I can't fully blame him for his narcissism, he was always this way and does not even realize it's wrong, he is so stuck in his way of thinking he needs care like a child. I feel bad for him, having lost any dignity 15 years ago when he stopped working and shut himself off from people because he just had no social skills. Funny, my mother also has a hard time with people and making small talk, and only hangs around unfortunate people who have difficulties and need escapes such as vacationing and shopping and taking care of the needy. Ironically. She'll never admit this because of shame, and she needs a popular, respected image.

          Anyway, I figured I could get him to talk at this time because he was always pretty agreeable with me especially since he literally did not trust anyone else. When I spoke on the phone with him 3 times, he sounded like he had broke down in tears when I asked him where he would live now, or told him that I loved him. I guess I just said that out of obligation and habit from my childhood, but I'm not sure if I meant it.

         Anyway, I went to his room, and noticed the comfort and luxury of him having everything at his side as usual. I did not pity him that much because he chose this life. He anticipated it, being alone. I guess this is how he grew up, with his abusive mother and passive, emotionally shut off, spoiling father. And his three competing, and equally spoiling older sisters. So I started the conversation as usual, asking him what he was up to and talk about the logistics of where he was staying and who brought him. Then, I told him a bit about meeting my birth parents, to which he nodded and seemed to listen and calculate into his mind. I told him we still didn't know my mother's father, and he said a name. I was surprised and asked how he knew. He said it was on the birth certificate. I asked who's, my mother's? Because it would not be on mine since she was adopted too.... He suddenly seemed to shut down and said no I never saw hers or anything about her. I asked well then was it mine, and he said no I never had yours and that his father made us a birth certificate for me (because he worked in something to do with legal documents). I was confused, and told him we would get the original birth certificates any way from the state. He nodded in his intense knowing way. 

        I asked him how he felt about me and my brother having four parents, and us being alike with our birth parents because they are our flesh and blood. He was always adamant that we were HIS kids, and never thought of adoption. However, why would he make it a point to research our birth background and track down my biological great grandfather? My great uncle told me when I met him that he thinks my Dad took all his inheritance by his "helping take care" of him when he was 100 years old and paying with his money to stay in the nursing home, because he had no one since my great uncle lived out of town.  But my father told me today that it was not true at all, and that my biological great grandfather had his bank account closed and was making 3 dollars a week. He said the old man was in pain because he thought the neighbor was tapping into his phone line, so my father drove him to a nursing home. He said all he got from him was an old coin collection, that he gave to my brother to keep. There is a discrepancy, because my great uncle said his father did have money and he never saw it after my Dad dealt with him.

         But anyway, my father was okay with me saying I had 4 parents, and that my birth ones were my flesh and blood so I am similar to them. He said alarmed that no I wasn't, (because my mother had mental illness and father had really low self confidence.) I laughed and said no not in that way. He looked at me curiously, like I was a new species of bird. He said that's right but Mommy and I RAISED you so that means something no? I nodded and said that I still had my birth parents who were part of me. 

           When my daughter was acting fussy and I took her with me to the bathroom, explaining I did not want her to be scared of being in a new place without me, he just listened and let me be. I told him about her feelings of high stress because of her birth, and how it shapes a child's feelings about himself growing up, and he said that's right. I asked him how he and my Mother put me to sleep when I was a baby, and he said his usual story about how he gave me a bottle and made my formula every night. He said when I was old enough to drink, He left it in the crib for me and of course I drank it all up and woke up soaked every morning. I said "Uh Huh that's why I'm addicted to food and don't know how to deal with stress and eat to deal with it." More to myself. He looked surprised, and said, "I never see you eating." I scoffed and said yeah well I always do and did when I get stressed. He seemed in a jolly mood and said his usual phrase about how some people live to eat while others eat to live, him being the latter of course. I said "Eh you eat your chocolate buns a lot... anyway there is nothing so wrong with eating to enjoy yourself sometimes when you need to.." He explained, "No, I only eat one before I take my medication because I can't take it on an empty stomach." I laughed and said sarcastically, so you starve all day besides for that? I told him about the studies of children in orphanages who were not held and how they developed anti social behaviors more than their counterparts, and he said it is true and nodded. I told him about mothers ignoring their babies crying makes them grow up feeling ignoring and not self confident, because they feel ignored by the world, and he was a bit hesitant but came to agree with me. He said listen if you would have lived 100 years ago you would be different. This was interesting,  because as I told him in those days they hit their kids and definitely did not listen to their emotions. He laughed and nodded.

             At the end, I asked him if he was happy they were divorced, and he said it was not his idea. I saw that he missed his old pattern of living, despite that he was not happy there. I pointed that out, and he said that she did something bad to him for years but did not want to disclose bad information about her. I was used to his accusations and did not take it to heart. I just told him that they did not get along for years, and there was a lack of communication there. I told him no one is perfect and marriage is meant to help one another and not just get treated like a child and taken care of without anything in return. I told him my marriage was far from perfect because we both have expectations from our childhoods of how to be treated, and this gets us into fights but we still love each other. I said he and my mother never communicated, they just said good morning and good night. He added and we went to restaurants together. He said it was only because he was at work a lot. I told him you chose work over your relationship, but that is only because you did not have the communication skills because of your childhood. He said what was wrong with my life? I had a very good life. I said, do I really need to explain? Your parents died.... He said so, it happens. I had a very good father I ate supper with him every night when I visited him... I said you chose your marriage and it is not only your ex wife's fault things didn't work out. You did not try to help her, you did not communicate your feelings. He was holding the wall and his eyes had a spark in them as he watched me speak. He said she wanted to get back together with him,  she told him. I said, well. Do you want to? He said no, she chose this. I asked if he was willing to tell her how he felt about what she "did" which destroyed their marriage since 1985, and he said no. I said actions come from feelings, so since you did not communicate, the marriage was bad this whole time. He said, yeah well you can't fix it. As if he expected me to. I said I was only trying to make him see what was wrong, and only he can fix himself. He said he did nothing wrong, and I sighed and repeated that he did not communicate at all with her and expected her to do everything for him.

I left, sad and resigned but also happy to have gotten the truth out. Who knows, maybe he will internalize what I said.