When "Sin" Is A Sin

           Am I an awful person because I have bad thoughts in my head every other minute? Or is it PTSD playing over? Every minute when things seem to be going well, a thought of negativity busts into my head and I feel doom just because I was having a good time. I cannot enjoy anything without hating myself for it. Telling myself I need to do better, telling myself there's no time for fun, calling myself a showoff, feeling like a snob if I can't trust others when they smile at me, thinking the worst about how others see me, thinking they see me as judgmental... The list goes on and on. And I had these feelings all my life pretty much. So that's why I suspect it is a PTSD thing that I am suffering from since I was given up as a baby and since then felt unlovable. And then it was layers upon layers of shame and guilt for every time I did something stupid, I just mistrusted myself all the time. And shame of failure because of my perception of what others thought pushed my guilt further and further. 

          That is why I question the whole harsh implication about sinning. Am I really an awful person for doing things wrong that is against my religious beliefs? Such as, thinking the worst about others, not trusting that God is there? It's all a perception from myself, from how I was traumatized and stopped believing in my good and worth ever since I can remember, since I could think. That is why I think the word "sin" is a tool to put me down yet more. Just another way to abuse myself and feel bad. It is itself a sin to use it against myself sometimes. 

         I think sin should be used subjectively, to each at their own pace. For example, if I am consciously aware that what I am doing is wrong then I can call myself a sinner. But if it is something I couldn't control, I can move on and not beat myself up about it. Because yes, emotionally abusing yourself in your thoughts is called beating yourself up. If I am in Trauma Vortex, it is much harder for me to see when something is wrong because it is ingrained in me. I flip back and forth between my new state of beliefs and my own one. The old one is horrible and negative, a mucky picture of fogginess that prevents me from embracing anything. I feel disconnected and doomed. The more I recognize it as a bad place that I need to get out of before I hurt something or someone, because I am hurting, the more I can stop myself.