When You Admit Your Hurt and Let Down Your Guard, People Can Let Down Theirs
I had a really awkward exchange that sent me spiraling. I went to a photo store that I frequent to print pictures for my birth mother and sister to give them when I see them. Now, I love pictures and printing them and making scrapbooks and collages out of them, and I have spent hours in that store, getting helped when the machine did not work and choosing frames, enlarging pictures, and putting pictures on plaques etc. There is always the same worker there, and he is always very busy and cordial, calling and leaving messages every time the pictures are ready for pick up. Sometimes, I get a vibe of tension from him, and it irks me. But I go because it is conveniently near my house. I have been going there since 2013, and am proud of being a long-time customer.
A few interesting things have happened with me in that store, such as when my daughter was just a few months old and I walked around rocking her to sleep and holding her as she cried, whilst picking pictures on the computer. I guess I feel embarrassed by it, but I was really desperate to print pictures and I needed my daughter to sleep. I was the only one in the store, and felt a bit judged by the two managers.
Anyway, there were quite a few people, and he was tense as usual. When I asked him for help, he cut me off and said, "Not now, in a few minutes." Then, a while later he took my sd card and tried it on his computer, and then said, "It worked on here so it should work on the computer there..." And led me to the computer to try it but rushed away before I could try it. It did work, but then when I went to the counter to give in my receipt of the pictures, he minimized me again by snapping that I would not take the deal of five hundred pictures for a cheaper price, as the guy ringing me up was trying to offer me. I bristled and asked how it worked, saying that I would decide. I didn't take it in the end, but was still upset by his rude tone of voice. I went home and complained to my husband about it, who agreed that the guy was dumb to be disrespectful and rude to a costumer. He said I should tell him how he was acting, and I held back by saying it would not help and only make things worst if I spoke to him in anger. I said I was angry because I may have been projecting my own putting others down and not caring about them, so it was fueled by vengeance and ego.
So when I went to pick up the pictures the next day, I resolved not to be bothered by him, and that it was not my problem. But it nagged me that he would do this to a regular costumer, and I felt indignant. I realized I had a right to be hurt, despite if he intended to hurt me or not. So, when I approached the counter and saw him turn away from me and say something and laugh with the other worker, I felt a flush of hurt and paranoia again. As I painstakingly chose a photo album that did not scream expensive and elegant or flimsy and cheap for my birth mother, settling on an in between, neutral one, I went up to pay. I saw that no one was nearby, so I opened up and said, "I just wanted to tell you that I feel really hurt by your disrespectful behavior yesterday." He looked startled, but stared at me and asked, "What did I do wrong?" I said, "When you spoke for me about the five hundred pictures... and you answered me very impatiently... I feel disrespected." He said, "I am so sorry, I did not mean to act that way, I was only doing it because it was not in your interest.." I said, "Yes well I figured that out after, but the way you acted can cause you to lose a customer." He apologized, and full heartily agreed, and was extra kind to me. I willed myself not to betray my nerves. He thanked me again afterward, and I nodded and walked out.
I felt a beam of fluttery lightness in my chest as I walked home, and realized how worth it it was to admit your hurt, even when it makes you seem childish, and it helps others understand you more and connects them to you. This is what we all need to do in order to remove feelings of hostility in our society.
A few interesting things have happened with me in that store, such as when my daughter was just a few months old and I walked around rocking her to sleep and holding her as she cried, whilst picking pictures on the computer. I guess I feel embarrassed by it, but I was really desperate to print pictures and I needed my daughter to sleep. I was the only one in the store, and felt a bit judged by the two managers.
Anyway, there were quite a few people, and he was tense as usual. When I asked him for help, he cut me off and said, "Not now, in a few minutes." Then, a while later he took my sd card and tried it on his computer, and then said, "It worked on here so it should work on the computer there..." And led me to the computer to try it but rushed away before I could try it. It did work, but then when I went to the counter to give in my receipt of the pictures, he minimized me again by snapping that I would not take the deal of five hundred pictures for a cheaper price, as the guy ringing me up was trying to offer me. I bristled and asked how it worked, saying that I would decide. I didn't take it in the end, but was still upset by his rude tone of voice. I went home and complained to my husband about it, who agreed that the guy was dumb to be disrespectful and rude to a costumer. He said I should tell him how he was acting, and I held back by saying it would not help and only make things worst if I spoke to him in anger. I said I was angry because I may have been projecting my own putting others down and not caring about them, so it was fueled by vengeance and ego.
So when I went to pick up the pictures the next day, I resolved not to be bothered by him, and that it was not my problem. But it nagged me that he would do this to a regular costumer, and I felt indignant. I realized I had a right to be hurt, despite if he intended to hurt me or not. So, when I approached the counter and saw him turn away from me and say something and laugh with the other worker, I felt a flush of hurt and paranoia again. As I painstakingly chose a photo album that did not scream expensive and elegant or flimsy and cheap for my birth mother, settling on an in between, neutral one, I went up to pay. I saw that no one was nearby, so I opened up and said, "I just wanted to tell you that I feel really hurt by your disrespectful behavior yesterday." He looked startled, but stared at me and asked, "What did I do wrong?" I said, "When you spoke for me about the five hundred pictures... and you answered me very impatiently... I feel disrespected." He said, "I am so sorry, I did not mean to act that way, I was only doing it because it was not in your interest.." I said, "Yes well I figured that out after, but the way you acted can cause you to lose a customer." He apologized, and full heartily agreed, and was extra kind to me. I willed myself not to betray my nerves. He thanked me again afterward, and I nodded and walked out.
I felt a beam of fluttery lightness in my chest as I walked home, and realized how worth it it was to admit your hurt, even when it makes you seem childish, and it helps others understand you more and connects them to you. This is what we all need to do in order to remove feelings of hostility in our society.
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