Angry Tears I Let Myself Feel.

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              How could she not care?? How does she just laugh when I sing a song about a baby being left by his mother in the hospital. How can the feelings still be in me after 24 years? Why does the pain live in my soul? Why can't I feel for my own daughter when I neglect her? My own pain is blocking it. I can't feel anything until this pain is seen. I don't care about anything else. I cried and screamed as I thought of her leaving me when I was 2 days old. And then how I was passed around at age 6 weeks because no body could take me permanently. Is this why I can't feel anything else. They just didn't care about my pain. They didn't acknowledge it as long as I looked okay on the outside. But inside I was burning, and missing something vital to my state of living. And It stays with me to this very day. How can they not acknowledge it still? Because they wanted to be happy on their own so they used us as pawns to fulfill their own selves, but did not truly care about us. Because if they truly loved us, they would have cared about our pain. And they still can't see it, because they roll their eyes or ignore it every time it is mentioned. I want to scream. I hate them because they hate me. But in all honesty, they just don't have enough of their own self-love and fulfillment to be able to see another's pain. It is wrong and terrible. I hope they heal themselves.

             That is why my birth mother went nuts and couldn't feel my pain. Or else she wouldn't have done it. She was numb from her own neglect of her birth mother. She lived her live in the inevitable path it was meant to take from her beginning. To nothing. Death of her emotional self. Death of the soul. Living of only the physical body and sensations. No ability to feel the great pain. Fake life. Shallow life. Only acknowledging happy things. "Don't think about the pain, it's not good. Only think about happy good things." But it's a lie. And the bad is still there. Lurking in the scary shadows. Coming out in bursts when things don't go her way. But she lives not for herself, because she hates herself deep down and feels she deserves nothing. That's her way of justifying her existence. BY hating it and hurting herself. Not seeing herself. Not letting her emotions be felt at all. Deep voice, cold authoritative over herself. Shuns the feminine emotional side. It is disgusting and wrong. And she lives in poverty and refuses to take from anyone. That was her birth-sake, her first knowing about herself, and she won't let it go because it is her only identity. Subconsciously.

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