Another Feeling Rejected from Birth Family / Women's Biggest Strength Are Their Feelings

           Last Week Wednesday.

             I was meditating today on my sorrows and hurts, because my biological cousin was supposed to pick me up according to plan but he missed me and I didn't hear the bell. So when I called them and they told me, and I realized that not going to visit them today would waste another full day because I had no other plans, I said I'd take the bus. But my heart was heavy and I felt stepped over and abandoned by birth family all over again. I tried to think of a reason for this to have happened, because I felt this was another hurl after hurl- more than usual for me. I resolved to eat a healthy lunch and stay on track, unlike yesterday's drowning my sorrow in ice cream and pastries from the supermarket. I listened to an ironically timed Infinite Water's video How To Turn Your Rough Patches Into Sparkling Diamonds, and he said that when you have trouble times don't let that define you. Remember who you are, and laugh at the situation. I heard, but it was harder to practice it. He also said don't fall for eating junk because you like that way. I loved that, and stopped myself from taking the delectable sugary cinnamon cookie on the table. I agreed that this problem did not make me bad, it was just the situation that was bas. He also said wisely that we tend to associate bad happenings with other bad ones, and so consciously be aware of what your thinking, and create good thoughts. For example, I always feel bad about my entire life when I am in a tough time, but I realized that things were not all bad, and I still had good things such as this lovely food and my nice hair scarf. And I was getting to meet my birth family and find out more about my identity.

I read an article about things to be aware of in birth family reunions (or first family), and it said that they don't always feel great and you need to have good identity before because it will not make your life totally better. And relationships take time, especially because often people in reunion are not aware of the trauma from the separation of the adoptee, so old wounds open and fear of re-abandonment rises. However, it is important to not give up hope that the other will come around, and let each person process feelings at their time. Be honest and communicate your feelings. She said sometimes people are so desperate to be accepted that they hide their true selves, and get stepped on and resentful. I am glad that I am aware somewhat of my difficulties and feelings. Oh but it hurts, the crushing grief of them not understanding and feeling left out again when they don't answer or show eagerness to meet or talk. I was relieved to read that the first family cares as much as the relinquished person about him and wants to meet as much, because I had always doubted it.

         Anyway, I sat on this while I ate, and soon my daughter was ready to nap and I was able to think some more. And something hit me like a light switch, as I was wondering what was the point of trying when I kept not getting my way. And that I must be awful. But then I realized, we come here thousands of times, as Abby Miller says, to finally listen to our hearts. And truly be in tune with them, through all the trauma garbage that caused us to abhor feeling trust in our vulnerability, and that we truly want the best for us. And women especially, who are soo looked down upon for having emotions and feel more in touch with them, have been led to feel horrible about longing and crying for love and connection. Because us women are truly more in tune with our heart space, and we know when things are wrong in relationships. We CARE more, and long for being SEEN. But when we were pushed down for it, our emotional gps went spiraling, and now we try to get love by following the soulless crowd and neglecting our true wishes. But our true and deep wishes are pure, we just want to love our children and feel good about ourselves. So the more we cry and come into touch with what it is we long, the happier we will be. Instead of hating ourselves for having needs. Because there IS nothing wrong with having needs, and as Lisa Romano says, in order to heal your emotional pain, you need to SEE it and LET it be heard. Acknowledge and validate its existence, because by resisting it it feels blocked and still inside. In order to let it go out, you need to let it flow. So I let out all the sadness and negative energy blocks, such as the feelings that I am BAD and UNWORTHY of connection and love and pleasure, and then I was left with tears of pain and relief. The world was mine again, and I had the power to feel good again. And create. 

          I only wish more women would stop guilting themselves for having FEELINGS and NEEDS, and let their true heart's purpose shine and lead. That way, they will be happier and feel more power. Because having feelings is their very power, and they can use it for either good - to love themselves and their environment, or bad - to hate and cause destruction in themselves and their children and G-d.