Aware Parenting and Listening To the Inner Child Of the Past

           I read something on the Aware Parenting Facebook group that really resonated and helped me. This woman was saying how when she took her 5 year old to his kindergarten for the first time, she had apprehensions because of her own bad experience. Sure enough, she felt like the others were staring at her when her son was being loud, and so she told him to quiet down. She saw the sadness on his face and felt bad at how she had hurt him by taking away his confidence. She was asking for advice of how to get through it. Another woman responded lovingly by saying she had a similar experience, where she acted less authoritative than the other parents, and as they expected parents to behave. She and her son did what they wanted, and she let him have his favorite food by the bench every day, and even brought for other hungry kids. She said she learned that by being confident in herself and what they believed, it made it easier to feel good despite their differences. She also offered for her to practice Marion Rose's outer presence to feel seen, and try to have her inner presence. The other woman thanked her and said she needed her inner girl to be seen and was happy with the advice, and added that she realized that she was hurt deeply because when she told her mother about what happened, and how she resolved it by paying more attention to her feelings and her son's, her mother answered, "Aren't you overthinking it?" And it reminded her of how she never felt heard by her mother when she was younger and always needed it. It made her unable to feel heard now too, and she needed to listen to her feelings more. So she told a sister about it and had a good cry.

        We have to be kinder to our children and inner children. I realized that this had played out for me when I visited my parents the other day, and my mother was undermining me again by saying that I had to visit my father more, and by saying that she was a kind person because she took care of his needs despite them being divorced. It made me feel unseen again, and also how she thought I was weird for carrying my baby and getting upset when she commanded my baby to "come here" and I said she wasn't ready.

         I also had a hard time today seeing my daughter when she was antsy, because after we had gone for a 2 hour outing shopping and errands, she was acting nervous and I set her down while I did some things for myself. I kept feeling like a bad mother, and that I was thinking of myself too much. This was reinforced more when she couldn't sleep, despite being up for 5 hours. Suddenly, she spit up, and I realized it was from anxiety because she NEVER does that unless she is scared or upset. So I held her lovingly and tried to listen to her, and she fell asleep. The problem is when I feel I am putting her feelings aside and she feels incapable of doing things, because I am washing dishes and she wants to help but she makes a mess so I don't let her, or I am eating and she does not know how to eat. I feel terrible and get into self-blame. And she feels low about herself. I need to be more self aware of my sweet spot of feeling bad about myself from my childhood, for not feeling capable when my mother ignored my feelings.