Being Spiritual Means Taking Care Of Yourself

        Being close to G-d really does not mean everything I used to think. It does not mean that you are perfect all the time. It does not mean you're an angel. It means you are in touch with your essence, because that in itself is G-dly. He blew a part of himself into every one of us, and by paying attention to it we are being close to Him and spiritual. Sometimes this means taking care of yourself and your needs. This allows you to be better and help others.

        Yesterday, I got too caught up in stress and trauma that I could not follow my G-dly essence. They say (Marion Rose) that sometimes we have a blockage that prevents us from succeeding because we don't believe in ourselves, perhaps from past experiences of being shamed or feeling not good enough. So it prevents us from expansion and wanting to be good to others. We need to take the time and figure out what we are feeling. I didn't do that, because I was not prepared for the hurdle of everything.

        What happened was, I was alone and traveling overnight to my birth families' town again to get to know everyone. I was excited but scared, uncertain, and terrified of disappointment. That old program of being a loser and no-good came up, especially at how I was mirrored by others on the bus, when they saw how differently I was taking care of my baby by talking softly to her the whole time and sleeping with her on my lap. I also could not sleep because of nerves and the cold temperature. I felt alone and unsure of my identity because of past experiences in this position where I was low-energy and disconnected from self, trying to get validation from outside people desperately.  I saw other teens in this state, and grown ups too, who were glued to their phones and food snacking. One girl across me was mocking others to the friend she made instantly, and they were already attached at hip, and I thought narcissist right away. When I got to the city, I had to wait hours in the wee morning to see if my host was up to open the door for me, because in my haste I forgot to inform her the hour of my arrival, and my daughter and I only managed to sleep for 3.5 additional hours. I was stressed because I did not want to meet anyone in that tired state, and my daughter's own stress from her trauma and personality really got to me. I got to a point where I could not face any of her feelings, I was so desperate for her to fall asleep for more than an hour so I could sleep too. But when she did, my mind started racing about family meeting and I was scared of the possibilities of failure to meet them for long enough due to my short time here and disappointment. It was a serious of worries, as well as the old programming belief that I was a failure. I was so down that I thought all I was going to do here was buy myself muffins from the grocery that I liked. Everything else seemed put of reach. But truly, when you are in a state of believing in yourself, you feel anything is possible and all is well. You experience Joy and Ecstacy. I have those feelings a lot so I know. But then, I was in trauma vortex. 

        I got all dressed, and was disappointed because my last minute text to meet my bio sister was too late. Truly, I saw how I manifested it through my down state of mind. I was not connected to my G-dly state, and therefore did not believe in myself to create good experiences. I see how it is all up to how you feel to be happy. When one is in a self-believing state, they can TAKE in the good, AND APPRECIATE IT PROPERLY and then more can manifest. When we don't appreciate good, it is because we don't believe we deserve it, and feel need to prove ourselves. But thia is ego based, and our G-dly essence KNOWS we deserve happiness, and that we can create it. When we are in touch with that, life is magical and positive experiences manifest. It's all about knowing you are great and thereby appreciating your goodness that you bring.

         It one does not feel great, they won't allow themselves to bring about great experiences because they'll tell themselves they are not worthy. Therefore, they will push away goodness and not take it in, experiencing lack in their inner and outer worlds. They will definitely not appreciate anything.

Therefore, we need to work on feeling worthy and that leads to appreciation. And in turn, abundance. When you appreciate, you love and feel good taking in. It is all about how you perceive your worth. 

         Close to G-d means happiness, and each person makes themselves happy in different ways. Some need more, and time to feel their trauma and pain in order to be happy. Ignoring your pain is not making yourself happy, it is disowning your true self and blocks full connection with the self. The full self needs to feel loved, and sometimes that means accepting your down times. I found myself saying negative things such as "you will regret this, and now you are further from G-d because of your anger and indulgence in sweets." It did not help, and I felt worse. Therefore I began to talk lovingly to my self and had a cry. Holding my daughter, and crying to sleep, helped me return to a state of positivity and loving regard for both of us. And I am sure that G-d was proud of me then.