Birth Parent's Love Is Spiritual and Always Existing, and Am I Capable? Only I Know
I think I am finally beginning to see something new. I am still marinating in this.
Mark Smith of Family Tree Brand Life Coaches says that we attract partners who magnify our childhood traumas. I take this further and say we attract experiences and feelings that magnify our childhood traumas. This is why I sometimes feel stuck in the stage of trust vs. mistrust, from Erik Erikson's stages of development, which is the baby stage until 18 months, where they either trust or don't trust their parents to take care of them and love them. Therefore I cannot get to the next stage, which is Autonomy vs. Shame. I am stuck in the shame of not being able to get things done in the world, and struggle with creating and being productive. Many of us are in this, and we feel stuck in having to get others to see us and love us. I used to feel that way with my narcissistic friend, who pushed me down to feel the worst feelings that were buried in me- worthlessness, being unlovable, and uselessness. Whenever I did something that angered her, such as not giving her 100% respect and attention, she used these words on me, and the worse- that she did not care about me. I was so entrenched in my shame and belief that this was true, that I did not see that she was reactive and selfish herself. This was because I was stuck in thinking I was a child that needed everyone to love me, and I picked her because it reinforced my baby beliefs of being nothing. It is really crazy how that works. I hate how religious teachers shame people for being "egotistical" and selfish, because it places blame on someone who does not really see any other way and is living in trauma. I think we have to be kinder and compassionate with these people, as I would have wanted someone to be with me. I think everyone wakes up at their own timing, and decided to face their trauma. I guess the only thing I can be now is supportive to people who can't see their faults and stuck-age.
It is funny. Ralph Smart said this morning in his Most Serious Video, that being grateful is the most important thing. But I think being grateful can only come when you move out of this trauma stage of living life from having to gain other's affection, the Trust vs. Mistrust stage that babies are in. Only THEN can you feel worthy and able to give and take in a healthy way in life. Until then, you are living on survival and cannot appreciate yourself and feel traumatized by thoughts of unworthiness and not being lovable. WAKE Up, you are!
Anyway, I still get stuck in feeling unable to be creative and good, and still put myself down when I am not perfect. This is the struggle with spiritually awakening, as Pia Melody says in Self Esteem, that people who are recovering are in ups and downs with feeling worthy. I keep falling back and blame myself for mistakes, when she says that healthy self-esteem is understanding that all humans are not perfect. I beat myself up for not being perfect because of my shame of being unlovable subconsciously.
So I was talking to my birth father last night for almost 2 hours, and I felt my face shining with happiness. We just spoke about mundane things, such as our daily lives and likes and dislikes. But we also spoke about how it felt and feels to be adopted, and he was also left by his family as a young child to live with a different family of a different culture. I tried finding out why, but he seemed to not remember or not have the details or reasons clear. I realized it was not my job to fix him, and get him to open up about it, and he would at his time. He taught me patience with people, and always seemed to have positive regard towards everyone. But I noticed that he was very self-involved and kept asking what others thought of him. This may stem from his feeling unworthy because of his life. But it made him nice and non judging, because he was only interested in connecting with people. It was not exactly what I wanted in my birth father, but I still appreciate that we were able to talk at all. It gave me a sense of value and reason for being here. He told me that he does not mind where I move, whether it is nearby or not, because he just cares that I am happy. This taught me the power of love for one's child. He said that Since I visited, he felt like life was better. He spoke about the past tragedies in a lighter tone, as if it did not make an impact on him. I still hope that he will regain some of his self-esteem and not desire others to show him who he is so much, as he said he does not know what others think about him.
Abby Miller, Worldwide Self Hypnosis, in her latest video, says that everyone wakes up at their own time, and lives their life from their standpoint. The cannot take in what they are not ready for. I guess I can just do my thing and try to get through this blockage of feeling shame and inability to create. I just wanted to say that I see where it comes from, and now that I know, I am more awakened and at a different level of consciousness. Abby says we are all here to HEAL OURSELVES, and that is all we can do and we keep coming back to this world to learn that. We are Old Souls, and cannot wake up the younger souls, but they do need our support. I guess that makes me more responsible for teaching others.
Mark Smith of Family Tree Brand Life Coaches says that we attract partners who magnify our childhood traumas. I take this further and say we attract experiences and feelings that magnify our childhood traumas. This is why I sometimes feel stuck in the stage of trust vs. mistrust, from Erik Erikson's stages of development, which is the baby stage until 18 months, where they either trust or don't trust their parents to take care of them and love them. Therefore I cannot get to the next stage, which is Autonomy vs. Shame. I am stuck in the shame of not being able to get things done in the world, and struggle with creating and being productive. Many of us are in this, and we feel stuck in having to get others to see us and love us. I used to feel that way with my narcissistic friend, who pushed me down to feel the worst feelings that were buried in me- worthlessness, being unlovable, and uselessness. Whenever I did something that angered her, such as not giving her 100% respect and attention, she used these words on me, and the worse- that she did not care about me. I was so entrenched in my shame and belief that this was true, that I did not see that she was reactive and selfish herself. This was because I was stuck in thinking I was a child that needed everyone to love me, and I picked her because it reinforced my baby beliefs of being nothing. It is really crazy how that works. I hate how religious teachers shame people for being "egotistical" and selfish, because it places blame on someone who does not really see any other way and is living in trauma. I think we have to be kinder and compassionate with these people, as I would have wanted someone to be with me. I think everyone wakes up at their own timing, and decided to face their trauma. I guess the only thing I can be now is supportive to people who can't see their faults and stuck-age.
It is funny. Ralph Smart said this morning in his Most Serious Video, that being grateful is the most important thing. But I think being grateful can only come when you move out of this trauma stage of living life from having to gain other's affection, the Trust vs. Mistrust stage that babies are in. Only THEN can you feel worthy and able to give and take in a healthy way in life. Until then, you are living on survival and cannot appreciate yourself and feel traumatized by thoughts of unworthiness and not being lovable. WAKE Up, you are!
Anyway, I still get stuck in feeling unable to be creative and good, and still put myself down when I am not perfect. This is the struggle with spiritually awakening, as Pia Melody says in Self Esteem, that people who are recovering are in ups and downs with feeling worthy. I keep falling back and blame myself for mistakes, when she says that healthy self-esteem is understanding that all humans are not perfect. I beat myself up for not being perfect because of my shame of being unlovable subconsciously.
So I was talking to my birth father last night for almost 2 hours, and I felt my face shining with happiness. We just spoke about mundane things, such as our daily lives and likes and dislikes. But we also spoke about how it felt and feels to be adopted, and he was also left by his family as a young child to live with a different family of a different culture. I tried finding out why, but he seemed to not remember or not have the details or reasons clear. I realized it was not my job to fix him, and get him to open up about it, and he would at his time. He taught me patience with people, and always seemed to have positive regard towards everyone. But I noticed that he was very self-involved and kept asking what others thought of him. This may stem from his feeling unworthy because of his life. But it made him nice and non judging, because he was only interested in connecting with people. It was not exactly what I wanted in my birth father, but I still appreciate that we were able to talk at all. It gave me a sense of value and reason for being here. He told me that he does not mind where I move, whether it is nearby or not, because he just cares that I am happy. This taught me the power of love for one's child. He said that Since I visited, he felt like life was better. He spoke about the past tragedies in a lighter tone, as if it did not make an impact on him. I still hope that he will regain some of his self-esteem and not desire others to show him who he is so much, as he said he does not know what others think about him.
Abby Miller, Worldwide Self Hypnosis, in her latest video, says that everyone wakes up at their own time, and lives their life from their standpoint. The cannot take in what they are not ready for. I guess I can just do my thing and try to get through this blockage of feeling shame and inability to create. I just wanted to say that I see where it comes from, and now that I know, I am more awakened and at a different level of consciousness. Abby says we are all here to HEAL OURSELVES, and that is all we can do and we keep coming back to this world to learn that. We are Old Souls, and cannot wake up the younger souls, but they do need our support. I guess that makes me more responsible for teaching others.
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