Circle of Life

-
             People get married to pamper each other the way they pamper themselves. The ones who grow, change, the ones who stay stuck themselves, will stay stuck in their marriage too. It's all about how you see yourself.

          We come to this world and go through our traumas in order to get to adulthood and undo all that was inflicted onto you that harmed you. The more a parent understands themselves and how they affected their child negatively, the more a child can understand himself.

            People who are wounded in childhood develop narcissistic wounds and need outward validation for who they are in certain ways. So they do not see themselves in certain area and try to get it validated from their outside. Such as if they lacked love for their weakness in a certain area, they constantly try to get it validated all the way into their adulthood, but until they acknowledge this and get themselves to see it, and then get support afterwards, they will keep having that void. And not be able to SEE themselves in it. When they can finally see themselves, they will not need to have others make them feel better about it, and will feel a lot better. And more confident. And Stop feeling ashamed of it. And stop putting themselves down.

           This is why I am here. I am trying to gt seen parts of me that I cannot see. That causes me to act crazy and feel ashamed of myself. Hate myself. I want to finally be proud of myself for all of me, I want to be happy and use my talents. I want to love others and be connected with others. It is selfish. I want my daughter to be happy too. I want myself to be happy because I want to be happy to be alive. I want to kick this narcissism, because it is causing my life to be stuck and unhappy. I don't want to have to keep justifying my existance to everyone and myself. I want to be able to SEE myself and others un enmeshed, and not blocked by my ego and anger. I want to live in joy and peace.

         

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Limbic Brain Flashbacks From Trauma

-
There is nothing without love. Life starts within the mother’s womb, where she and her child are one. She is all he knows, and he needs her to develop his emotional brain, until he can become an autonomous self. Therefore, why are the role of women so inferior in society? They basically make up a human’s development of skills, true self-worth (that they are loved by another person), and growth potential.  Nancy Verrier says in Coming Home to Self that the experiences we have during the first three years of life “play a big part in our overall attitudes and beliefs” (Page 382). Personally I felt beaten down a lot, in my emotional body and ability to use my strengths of giving love. I feel like a shadow of a person, in this world, my skills and worth invisible to myself and to everyone else. This has to do with my suffering from the primal wound of being relinquished from my biological mother, and then adopted when I was a few months old. Verrier states, “Severing of the bond with th
Read more

Daughter and Projection of Anxiety

-
My daughter was anxious as me when we got back. I wanted to write a whole letter to my Rabbi about the community ignorance of emotions, and she was not falling asleep. I was kind of on edge and finished it. Then she ran around the house and I made myself some food even though I snacked earlier. She started squishing the cherry tomatos, and I recognized that it was from her frustrated emotions so I said to her, "You're angry right?" And she delighted and repeated the word and squeezed some more on them with her fingers. I winced inside a bit from the waste, and tried to focus. It was good that I was trying to validate her a bit, unlike how I was never validated at all for my grief as a baby. But it was hard because I was stressed. Needed time to myself and yet she needed my attention... And I felt a spiral coming. I desperately tried to hold on to myself and her. My mind was telling me that she was needy and that I was doing a bad job. But my heart was screaming for focus
Read more

Who Are Adopted Children Really

-
          Is it any wonder that the adopted child feels so unreal. Journey of The Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton inspired me to think about this. Reading the first few chapters and so excited with it. It speaks to my soul and resonates, being truth to me. She said that no one romanticizes mothers more than adoptees. As a blind person who tries to imagine how the sun looks upon a flower, the adopted child never experienced their mother, so there is plenty to imagine in their minds what it means. True, and why I have a hard time understanding the concept of true belonging.        As my older also adopted sister told me, why am I sad about adoption? I should just be happy and apply the knowledge that it was for my good, and a wonderful thing that I was adopted because   she my birth mother could not take care of me properly for her life. She expected me to just not feel sad about that and deny all the pain and feelings of non-belonging and yearning for a place in the world all of
Read more