Deep Talk With Fellow Old Soul/ Starseed

              I did get some good insights from the married man that I was intrigued by intellectually, so whatever the case was it was good that I talked to him somewhat. I felt overwhelmed by meeting most of my birth father's family, and needed some guidance and answers to life. He didn't have all of them, as he was not so pleased about his own adoption reunion, but there was this magnetic energy to him- he was high off life, and I wanted to find out why. Also, maybe he would be able to pass some of it on to me, since I had such a deep yearning for my own purpose in life and wanted answers as to why I was here, and what the deal with the sleepy people who did not get it was. Was I just plain crazy, or do I have some sort of lead here worth diving into. Just a bit of encouragement from my outside world. After having dinner with the family of strangers, whom I met through a random invitation, he was still chatty and enthusiastic about connecting with people, so I engaged him in discussions of various deep topics such as personality differences and spiritual growth. We continued our discussion from the table about astrology and people having different elements which make up their energies. He told me that I was very airy, which meant I wanted to know everything and everyone. It resonated. He was fire because he constantly sparked up and loved getting into things. He was of the opinion that two people of opposite genders could not be close friends, because they may find similarities that their spouse does not have with them and feelings can arise. I felt uneasy about his openness in engaging with me, but I kept going because I needed answers. And he told me about myself, and we swapped knowledge about masculine and feminine qualities, purpose of life, how to be close to G-d, and he helped me with how to discern when a spiritual teacher is helping or misguiding me. He told me that when one is unable to hear that there is another truth, and a G-d outside themselves, it shows they are all about their ego and have no room for others, He explained that it'll start to affect you by seeping their ideas into you, and cause you to have doubts about there being a G-d. Which was the last thing I wanted, as my faith in G-d was the only thing that saved me from going off the rail at times, because I knew there was a higher reason for things that had gave me hope to keep going, and Joy in my accomplishment in going on. Because I was air, he said, I let everything go into me when I hear it, understanding lots of sides to things. It felt good to be appreciated. And told that I had a gift to give. He also heard my story about my in-laws and my discomfort with them, and said I was right to feel that way, but to learn how to not let it affect me. He said that by being myself I can influence them. But it is hard. I was glowing. Then he told me about his journey to spirituality, and his dreams of past lives. I was shocked and felt awed. I felt he had lots of gifts. He helped others become more spiritual, but he said he did not like the way of telling them how to be and just let them slowly come on their own. I said I think that sometimes you need to stand your ground in what you believe so that people will understand the severity of their bad actions. He believed more in love and acceptance. But he told me I still had a lot of the quality of love and interest in emotions, so it was important for me to use it. I never heard anyone in my personal life tell me so openly that I was a free spirit who had gifts. And he told me that I've been through more than anyone he has met, suicidal or depressed or not. He was able to see through people and it was fascinating. I felt we were being really real with one another and told him so. He wanted to hear my life story so that he could understand what made me so "defensive," as I told him I don't trust anyone. I told him about my emotionless childhood, my brother's gender dysphoria, and my pain inside from my birth family history that encoded in my DNA. He was not so sure about birth and infant age trauma affecting one's whole life, and did not understand his own trauma much, but he did mention that his baby son was a copy of him and his wife cried when she imagined his rejection from his birth mom at that age. I noticed lots of differences in how we saw things, and I wanted to help him understand himself better. But he was not very receptive, so we it hang awkwardly. He said he struggled with wanting pleasure and at the same time G-dly salvation, and did not take in what I  said about self esteem being the root of all desires for either being spiritual or stuck in physicality. I told him how I felt more identity grounding because of meeting birth family and seeing my traits, and he  said he found it good for a short term but that it didn't last. He saw me as very spiritually thirsty. I liked that. Of course he couldn't last with birth family, he did not build stronger ties. Initial fairy tale doesn't last.

         We agreed that life was terrifying in that no one noticed the meaning- to be spiritual and G-dly, and pleasure is temporary. It's the soul that wants higher purpose, and when we die it's all we have left. But we live forever in that sense, and joy comes from developing. Spoke about negative imprint, he found it fascinating. But said for him his world is meant to keep doing good and have excitement for redemption. I agreed, as Ralph Smart says have the goal in mind and do things that follow. Without that, there's no direction and life is meaningless and route-less. He seems a bit wary about his wife, as he said she wanted him and he went along with some doubt. He called her funny, in a jokey way. I don't know. I find his life pretty confused. I felt hurt after he dismissed me the next day, when I was not as talkative and more brooding. After all, he's the 48 year old. But he saw me as an equal. I feel we both searching for recognition in a way. I appreciated his telling me that I do good and help others, despite my saying that I only help myself. He said it'll spread, as others see it working for you.

           It was nice to be seen. And make a friend. Not sure. He did inspire me a bit. I did like him a lot. As first I thought he was on track, and now I see that everyone has their flaws, and perhaps I turned him sour when I closed up again the next day. Perhaps he was expecting me to be perfect, too, and help him deal with his weird self-esteem issues that made him very charming but at the same time, unable to truly see others in a good light for long. He definitely has a lot of potential, and has a way with people in captivating them, and his zest for life. He kept saying, THIS is the beauty- the struggle. it makes life interesting, doesn't it? I agree, but I want to get to the bottom of things too. Be stable and not so confused all the time.