Deer Caught in Headlights Among Others

             I went out today. I couldn't handle any more trauma vortex I felt when my daughter was not falling asleep, and I was sinking into self-blaming for it being caused by my nervousness. I have this ongoing jittery-ness sometimes, like I either need to be accomplishing things or else I throw myself into avoiding my feelings by distracting with food. I cannot handle being alone with her in her states of hyperactivity, when I know she should be sleeping because she is tired but she cannot calm down to do this. So after 2 hours of trying to put her to sleep, and only accomplishing having her sleep for 2  half hour intervals, I resolved to enjoy my day and go out for air. It would be good for the both of us to get a break. But alas, she was still sleepy and in her trance state. I went to a clothing store to buy myself a much needed skirt. As I sifted through the aisles, a woman stood nearby and asked if I needed help. I was very aware of her gaze at me, and felt very uncomfortable. I said no thanks, and I could barely hear myself. I tensed up, and felt the old feeling of discomfort. I was scared that she was judging me as being a snobby or too-shy person. I felt ugly and odd looking. I held my thoughts in place and felt trauma. Annoyance at her for still watching me. But it wasn't her problem it was in my head that tormented thoughts came from. So I imagined her being just as insecure as I, and relaxed. I even accepted her help, and I meekly thanked her. I let myself be the way I felt, and felt all the emotional resistance to my feelings go away. I was sad, so what? Why should I change my outside just to look good for others? I felt like being sad on the outside too, and it was like I was mourning my lost childhood. Have a lot to mourn.