Feeling Authentic In Your Body By Ignoring Outer expectations that Don't Line Up

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        We have to be honest about ourselves and where were are holding. I expect more from myself then I can handle, and this has been going on for years. my whole life I have been trying to be someone I am not, and this get's in the way of ever really feeling real.

             This is what Jerry Wise meant when he said he used to be a human "doing"- always trying to please everyone and be helpful, and just trying to not get in anyone's way. This is the way I have been too, and now when I am trying to please myself because it brings me happiness, I do not know what is real for me and what isn't. I have a hard time discerning from over-achiever thoughts, and ME. Just plain me and what I can actually do. And this messes with my head a lot.

           For example, I expect myself to be able to take care of my daughter with compassion, but alas my own needs come up and I ignore them because I feel like if I listened to them I would be lower than my level. The thing is, I see myself as very intelligent and reasonable, over others in knowing how to be kind and giving and seeing other's needs. But reality is that I am truly confused and unsure about the right thing to do, because I have so may negative thoughts in my head that get in the way when I am trying to be good. Most of them come from high expectation of myself. And this has been going on since I was little, I believed that if I wasn't perfect I was no good. I was not in reality that I am who I am despite the expectations others have of me.

           For example, people expected me to be happy visiting sick people, and I really felt uncomfortable because I wasn't sure about who I was and what I was supposed to help them with. Also, I was expected to enjoy being with friends, when I really did not because the entire time in my head I was wondering what they thought of me and how to fit in. These are all expectations in life that prevented me from being authentic to myself, and be happy with myself.

          I have seen recently in when I am doing things that align with who I am, such as going out to the park and enjoying a sunny day, ignoring calls from people I did not enjoy speaking to, listening to YouTube videos that speak to me, or going to visit by birth family and feeling like I mattered, I was happy and enjoyed my life. Things seemed more real, and as I read in a Facebook post from Women With Ptsd- "Do whatever makes you feel real again." We have to keep trying to see the light and responding to our inner feelings. No matter what the outside expectations of us try to fool us.
            

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