Feeling Fulfilled and Recognising My Purpose/ Birth Parent's Connection

Yesterday is a promise that was broken, don't close your eyes... This is your life, are you who you wanna be?...This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose... Switchfoot. This song is making me cry now.

        I realized that I was ignoring my daughter's feelings this morning as I was baking, and her cold makes her extra cranky and needy of sleep. So she burst into tears suddenly, and I raced to the room to put her to sleep guiltily. I hadn't even had breakfast yet (haha Ralph Smart), and I was on edge. When she wasn't falling asleep promptly because of repressed feelings. I felt like a fake and not real with her, as I silently willed her to fall asleep so I can get things going. Thinking of the food cooking that I needed to keep an eye on. I decided to eat after 15 minutes of her not sleeping, and my inability to have compassion, and I made myself a delicious oatmeal with peanut butter, cinnamon, and a drizzle of honey and sliced almonds as an afterthought. I also made some for my husband, against my will, because I felt it would make me feel good to see him happy. Of course I added chocolate chips to his and extra honey because he can handle the sweetness. As I ate and filled my stomach, I felt happiness rush over me, and the screen that blocked me from my daughter went up and I sang to her with all the love appreciation and concern I felt for her. I noticed that her own aura felt calmer already. Not perfect, but a lot better now that Mommy was happy. I am so glad I do not stress myself out as much as other women I know, and put *most of* the housework behind my nurturing my baby priority. Because I still feel the need to have a clean-ish house and my food that I like, and it nags me all the time. But we gotta take the time to fuel our selves and listen to our needs, or else I would be a wreck trying to repress my desires. I am human, and I still want to feel good and I need to care about my childish wants. Ignoring them only makes them stronger and more demanding.
             

             I remind myself that cooking and cleaning are just tools, to use to make us happy. They shouldn't take over our minds too much, and we need to focus on the main things- loving our children, loving ourselves, remembering who we are and why we are here.

             When I don't, I start to feel sick and like my wiring in out of control, I need an extra kick of meaning and if I don't get it I can snap and get angry with people. As well as need to fill this void with physical pleasure. It is really up to me which move I make. We all have desires to take in this life, and without a goal to achieve we can lose sight and take only, and need more and more to fill us. But spiritual taking is more satiating, and the happiness you get from it is all encompassing and pleased your mind and soul much more. It leads to wanting more, and happiness.

        This is what I learned today, that some desires I have are not that awful to fulfill because they ultimately make me happier and able to focus on the big goals- of loving and caring for my family.

          I am happier knowing that my birth family cares about me, and my mother was helping me find a place to live near her. Even though we don't have a lot of similarities and common likes, the underlining feeling that we are attached and sadness at our separation plays out in our meetings. I feel tremendous sadness inside, and I only saw this when I looked at the picture I took with her where my eyes were squinting with a fake smile, although I then attributed it to my disappointment that she was so un-engaging and "boring," and we had awkward silence most of the time. I tried grasping for conversation but she was unresponsive, only smiling vaguely and answering affirmative or not, or adding something. There was a lot of unspoken tension, and I thought of how homeless she came across as, and felt low about coming from her. But I realized how lucky I was to have been born from such a humble person, who made her way around with nothing. And I thought of what every one tried to convince me, that I should be damn happy I was adopted into a functional family. But I still could not help doubting my adoptive family's emotional functionality, and that perhaps having no physical means but all the maternal and parental love  for their child would have done me better. But there was no point in dwelling, as I had also done verbally with my birth father. I was never meant to grow up with them, as a daughter should naturally, and this separation was necessary. Was I a mistake? Probably, but I'm here with them now and I could return what was hidden away and lost from our former years. It needn't have felt so empty, had we all met more often as the years passed. But it wasn't like that sadly. Spending time with them awakened my love for them and appreciation for them, and I feel a part of me fill up that I haven't felt for years... A familiar-ness that I cannot place, probably from deep in my subconscious memories as a newborn or fetus. I wonder if they feel it more vividly because it happened when their memories were fully cognizant. 

         I wonder if their own pasts made them a match to being removed from their children's lives. Because they were both given up from their parents and I wonder if they ever dealt with that grief. Or if they just believed their subconscious feeling that they could not be with a kin, that it was a privilege that they didn't deserve. Does being reunited with me open them up to feelings of elation but unworthiness of having me back? That is hard to swallow. It hurts but I understand because sometimes I feel my own kid cannot feel my love. But those times are when I cannot imagine how she could trust me, because I feel so unloving. I see her betrayed looks and it breaks me, so I remind myself that I am good enough. I am capable of being a mother. I am capable of loving. It is not so hard, it is a human quality. I must have it, because I am flesh and blood.