Humility Is Admitting Healthy Shame of Human Flaws

           When a person can't take criticism they have no humility. This is because they have built a wall around any thought of them not being perfect, and when they hear this may not be so they must push against it. This is why I believe that people who cannot hear their flaws are egotistical and proud. They are truly shame-based, their self is covered with shame because of how they were made to feel bad about their flaws in childhood, so they cannot face them in adulthood either. This is what I notice the more that I have to face my flaws- that a part of me hates doing so and is in resistance because it makes me feel worthless. But it's okay to have flaws, and it only means I am human and imperfect. It brings me relief to face reality. 

          For example, today I was struggling with taking care of my daughter. Part of me was in resistance to facing that I could not care of and about her unless I was happy myself, and it hurt me to think I couldn't love my own child. I felt self-accusing, and them felt she was accusing me. In turn I got frustrated at her and told my husband half jokingly that she doesn't like me. I really felt that though, and it showed when I just couldn't calm her down to fall asleep in my arms. She kept wriggling and making faces, she sensed my tension. I knew that and I told myself that, and it did not help me calm down either. Finally, at night, I allowed myself to breathe and do what I needed to relax, and ignored her needs for a while. I gradually became uplifted and watched a few videos about self esteem and boundaries by the awesome Pia Melody, and I was able to see myself better. And then my daughter started doing better and smiling more in mirror to me.

         I heard someone say that healthy shame is something that every person is born with, and when they get hurt and shamed by people they trust, they feel shameless and can no longer face it. This is fascinating to me. They pretend they are perfect because being flawed or shame makes them unworthy. I saw this in myself in how I pushed people away as a child, because I felt being vulnerable was bad, being that I was hurt so badly when I was vulnerable so I felt shame in being weak. I see this in my daughter too when she pushes me away when I try to hold her because she felt shamed when I ignored her the first time she was in need of love. How sad. Children who grow up in narcissistic environments also feel shamed for having needs, so they become very self-sufficient and find emotions weak and something to be ashamed of. I see this with my sister in that she does not it take seriously when other people are hurt and makes them feel small and immature.

          It was amazing how Teal Swan came out with a video on child rearing today that was exactly what I needed. A Child's Purpose... talks about how our children bring out the exact vibration that we cannot face in ourselves, because we where not given attention in it as children ourselves. Such as, if we were not allowed to feel anger in our homes and we repress it, our child will have anger and it will cause us to struggle with it. Children are meant to help us in expansion in our world, but if we ignore who they are and do not let them be, we block that from happening. She said interestingly, that if we do not want to repress our children's feelings the way we felt as kids, they may be able to express themselves but still be blocked from connecting with us because of our feelings. This feels familiar because I think as much as I let my daughter be herself, I still feel cut off emotionally sometimes and cannot appreciate our bond and feel my love towards her. With more self-care, I can learn to see myself as worthy and in turn see how she loves me. I need to stop self hating and accusing when I get down.

        Pia Melody, in the video about Self Esteem says that when a parent blocks an emotion due to shame, they put it outward and the child feels and takes to it. Therefore, if a parent has shame for being clumsy, he can make his child feel low self worth for being clumsy. The child takes in the shame that the parent can't face in himself. It is so sad. This is what happens when parents cannot face their imperfections because of shame. In the 60s, many parents raised their children with shaming and hitting when they did not act the way they wanted, and the children grew up with a lot of self-shame and low self-value. We need to separate ourselves from our children and see when our own shame in a certain trait or behavior is making us shame them for it. This will help them understand that it's okay to be human and have flaws, that it does not make them unworthy of love.

 

          When a person has a healthy self esteem they will own up to their flaws and negative traits, and not pretend they are perfect and push them outward as being on everyone else. Humility is being able to admit to one's flaws and take criticism with a healthy self assessment.

         Pia Melody says in video about Developing Personal Boundaries that this means being able to say no or recognize and back away when you feel you cannot handle another person's emotions. People who are scared to speak their truths for fear that the other person won't approve or like them have no healthy sense of self-esteem, because they do not love themselves enough to be themselves. It diminishes self-respect not to stand up for oneself. She says that if someone tells you that they don't like what you say, even though it is legal and not against any rules, it's important to consider if you should or should not change your actions based on how much you want to please this person or how you feel about changing too. I really like this, because it taught me that I have a right to stand back and decide to enforce boundaries if someone hurts me, even though I did not grow up believing I had a right to do so. I thought I had to please everyone and that I was unworthy of speaking my mind and feeling.