Insight From Self- Differentiation Coach About Knowing Yourself

           It hit me that if we cannot see others emotions, it is because we are stuck in not seeing our own, and I know I've said this a lot of times but now I see it in a new light. My husband and I had a Therapy Session with a famous self-differentiation Therapist named Jerry Wise, and we told him about our background and past therapists whom we felt did not see us. He said that a therapist can only help you as much as they've gone themselves, and therefore one of my past therapists did not validate that I felt I was not being helped by her because she felt she was doing a good job of it. That showed that she did not understand my issues. I also explained that one therapist we went to said I shouldn't think about my emotions that I had as a baby, and Jerry Wise said he would never say something like that to a client after they told him that they went through a tragic situation. He also said that it can take a lifetime to get self-differentiated, and that he was unrecognizable 40 years ago, he was so unsure of himself and did not know the first thing about how he felt about anything. All this made me realize that I really didn't know myself, especially because of how he said that we need to be able to fill our own selves up in order for a relationship to work. He was also extremely validating, truly listening and empathizing with what we were saying, unlike many other people we are around sometimes. It made me realize that the only way to truly see another person is to be there for yourself first. That way you are not trying to get validated the whole time and can focus on them.

            I think that I never felt validated as a kid because my mother did not see my emotions. All my life I was "taught" that I had to take care of my own self, that no one was there. By my own wedding, no one was looking out for how I felt inside or noticed my apprehension and terror.