Instant Gratification Ruining My Life, And The Inner Feminine and Masculine Energies

         I am finding the old enemy creeping up on me way too much to push away. I want my fill of comfort and I want it right away, that other things I should be doing get pushed aside. Such as loving and showing care to my daughter. I read that narcissistic mothers don't feel guilt in putting their needs before their children, and I snorted disgustedly at that time, but I struggle with the same reality. Of wanting to fill my own wants of temporary relief, in front of my daughter's real need for love. I know, loving limits should allow me to decide when I need to do things for myself in order to be present fully for my baby, but I am struggling with how much I really NEED for my ability to be present and how much of it is just plain selfish wanting to fill my own physical desires. Of food, belonging, self-importance...etc. And how much of that itself is a self shaming tactic? But I remember Lisa Romano's wise words of that if the thoughts are self-negating, it is coming from a "bad programming" and if it is positive and loving, that is from your True self.

          It puts me in a worst mood when I ignore my needy voices asking for "another cookie" or "go out and play." My inside starts to tremor with rising conflict, as my manager in me tries to shush the children and get things done and running, and my motherly nurturer starts to feel pity for the children and strokes their cheeks lovingly, saying, "I hear you are sad, what's this all about." And the children shout, "I am soo sad and soo angry, nothing is good." And the manager once again shuts them up, and the codependent, weak mother in me falls back watching helplessly. And the children keep crying and getting bruised. 

        I need to take this motherly nurturing side of me, and expand it's self-worth. Let it comfort me and see me in my pain. Let it hold me and tell me I am alright. I need to be there for my worries and aggravation. To heal my past upsets and wounds still need of nursing.

         Interestingly, Abby Miller of Worldwide Self Hypnosis talks about this, how we each have a mother and father in us that we need to develop fully to love ourselves. Those of us who were skewed with in self-perception have harder time allowing both to operate, and this is why people can either be fully emasculate and ignore their feminine expression at all costs, or become fully effeminate and abhor shows of masculinity, feeling them to be too harsh. I concluded that I do not embrace my feminine qualities enough, because they were shamed and cut off from being allowed to blossom. As in, I was taught that feelings and openness was shameful and flawed. I knew I had them deep down, but it had to be a well kept secret that I was sensitive. This showed itself time and time again, through snickering of all my women cousins when I was listened in on when I was talking to my doll at age 7, and when I came up from the playroom they all burst out laughing cruelly and ignorantly. They were unconscious of the shame and deep hurt they were causing me to feel, perhaps projecting their own embarrassment of having nurturing qualities. Because no one apologized or noticed my beat redness and shamed-to-the-core feeling. Or the times I tried talking to my mother and she chirpedly listened but kept shifting her focus onto my brother and I felt deep sense of unimportance. Or when I tried singing my favorite song that I adored from school by the table, and my older boy cousin and brother snuck under the table and convulsed in sneering laughter, and tears gave away my shame and as all the mothers told me, "we liked your song, they are wrong," I still felt ostracized. Or when I was late again in the morning to the lift my father gave me and my older cousin to school, and she told me accusingly that I was irresponsible and made her late, and I felt she had precedence over me even with my own father. Shame of being the bad, unloved child engulfed me and I wanted to cry.

        Since I was not given enough nurturing and motherly love as a kid, I have a hard time developing that unconditional nurture in myself, and I have idolized the greatness of masculine strength, disowning my true qualities. I need to keep trying to listen to my inner child with compassion, and look for it in my outer world as well. That way, I can start practicing it with my daughter and husband as well, and it won't feel fake and sound foreign to my ears.