Lovely Feelings

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         I realized what a beautiful daughter I have, and how in the video we took of her yesterday she was crawling happily and climbing. I was thinking how precious it was, and how all the other children I witnessed playing with their mothers did not give me this feeling of love and joy that she gave. I felt she was special and better, and I saw my work that I put into showing her care in her face despite our challenges. I wanted to hold onto this feeling, and not give up on everything. There was reason to keep trying, because there were results. Even though I do not usually see them. My hologram of seeing children and mothers is so weak and negative, I can;t help not being able to see our love most of the time. I have to keep trying. Also with my relationship, I can barely see it's beauty. I see him as weak and childish and think why do I have to put up with this when I can get someone more confident. But then I realize that he still has beauty inside and who am I to think I can just get new things like a shiny car, and that who says I will appreciate and be able to nurture that, as well. When I am so broken myself. I get triggered from him for that very reason. Because I see his weaknesses in myself and I cannot shake my annoyance and anger at it. We are very similar. We are one and the same in our anger and hurt. Just trying to make sense of my feelings here. But down to it all, I love my life and am struggling to stay afloat with this happiness, acceptance and love I feel.

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