Loving My Baby

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2 am and she calls me cuz I'm still awake can you help me unravel my latest mistake.... Breathe by Anna Narlick is in my head. How appropriate.

          Why being present with my daughter hurts so much. It hurts me that they weren't present with me as baby. That no one noticed the sadness emanating from my fresh new eyes as I took in my world, aged in my mind by thousands of years. And I see my babys' eyes in pain ripping my insides apart with reminders of my own babyhood that lives on in me still not loved. And she grasps the bed for footing and slips off, fallen to the floor without a sound, and my heart drops again as I see her being ignored and alone again. This is me. Thia baby that has the very same expression of pouty lipped confusion as no one watches or pays attention to her as I did, and the same features that existed two decade ago on my younger face. The same fat chin and china doll face, eyes wide and inquisitive. Thin, bursting in smiles lips, and fat little button nose. As her little hands reach to her ears and scrub her head nervously, I am reminded of the nervousness that ran through my blood all day long, waiting to be abandoned once again. Watching reproachfully my surroundings waiting for the boogeyman to pop out. As she yells and squeals, my heart thuds with dread of her realization that nobody cares. I know this is all very negative, I am just going through what is happening in me. I wish it wasn't this way and that I can believe in her innocence staying intact, but I don't know how when I am so damaged inside myself.

       I just need to find myself and my goodness so that I can believe she sees it. I can believe it's there, and not depress over every flaw I make in loving her. The point is that I do love her, and even though I never felt loved and seen I am important to her. My love is very much needed and seen by her. I just hope she feels it and knows it despite all the trauma and emotional abandonment that I put her through.

          I do know I am doing something right, and that is by having her sleep in my bed every night. I read in Sleeping With Your Baby by James Mckenna that children who sleep with their parents grow to feel more emotionally secure and easier to soothe when they get older, and are generally more autonomous and confident in themselves. I am so thankful for that, and we will see how she grows older. I know that by separating my own insecurities from hers, it will help her be herself. That is why I need to be aware of my feelings of mistrust in love and move towards understanding unconditional love. 

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