My Birth Cousins And Feeling Strange Belonging and Human Suddenly

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            Thurs, cont.

          They weren't the most polite bunch, but they were my family. I felt something open up in me for the first time. Belonging on this planet. But at the same time, I felt like a pariah because of all the years missing. And how they seemed so relaxed and comfortable in their skin, when I felt so out of place as usual. Felt like my usual robotic self playing the part. But they were oh so comfortable. I envied it. I imagined my grandmother, a young, carefree girl with headaches and stress, being questioned by top doctors and then going under their knives like the experiment she was. As they took out a part of her brain. My heart constricted and I opened my mouth in horror as they told the story. It was just a story to anyone else, but to me, and them, it was a nightmare of reality. And how she couldn't function and tried to jump off a 3 story house after that. And they held her back but she was strong. It reminded me of my strength, and it was sinking in. The pain and suffering of my birth roots. The shock and betrayal of my great grandmother, who was overly religious and could not deal with having an illegitimate grandchild. My own mother's pain at being severed from her family. Her own disfunction and confusion in telling reality from fiction. I wondered how I was still standing, taking it all in emotionlessly. But they were my family, and although we came from different places we were still connected at blood. When I left with one last fake smile and exchange, and thanks, I felt overwhelmed and tears started escaping. I looked away, and I think my older great cousin felt the same way because she was adamant about her anger and regret that they didn't know about us so they could keep us. She incidentally took in foster kids, and I wonder if it's because she felt the separation from us in her psyche. She was also closer in age to my grandmother, and they were close as well before the detrimental surgery. She seemed to have stronger morals than the rest, and was angry about the experiment surgery she was given.
               
             I felt so disconnected from my past self and a new sense of connection to this family. And it was a weird feeling for me, surreal. When it was time to go, inevitable tears came out of despair to part once again. But I reminded myself that I was still there, and we would still be connected even though I was leaving. This quieted my child self quite well.

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