On Being an Old Soul and Feeling Achingly Different

             I feel really down and like I have no identity. I was looking up some videos of Halsey the pop star, partly because I was trying to give myself leeway to find something to make me happy. Of course, it just dragged me into watching more, until I found things people were saying exposed her, and she sounded just as hypocritical and conceited as other people, and it's soo weird how far fame can glorify a person and make them seem so perfect. Anyway, I did notice in her that she is bisexual, and kind of has this way of being able to be masculine and female at the same time, as if she is a chameleon in a woman's body and can embody many different energies. She must be an old soul, I figured. I feel that old souls, as Abby Miller agrees with me, are more able to dualize themselves and act as either female or male in their energy and how they express themselves. I also feel that old souls have deep pain from their lives that they are more aware of, and it causes them to feel more deeply hurts than other people. I do feel that old souls are cool and amazing. I know I am one.

       One time a girl in my class said to another that although I am pretty, she would NEVER want to have my brain. It killed me inside, and I am pretty sure my entire face turned flaming red because it felt that way. But I pretended not to hear from shame. Another time, my class threw a party and gave "awards" to everyone for something they were good in, and mine said, "Original." I enjoyed that, but again it reminded me that I was different and more deep than others. I am not trying to sound like a special snowflake, but I guess I do. I struggle with this part of identity a lot, because it seems it takes soo much more than an average person for me to be satisfied with life. As well, I enjoy each aspect of life soo much more fully when I am up, but every day is different and a serious of downfalls and happiness.

         I realized today that I do not trust women, and see through their fake well wishes, and it causes me to stiffen when I feel them trying to connect. I deflect it with jokes, and run away before things get serious. Not romantically, just plain intimately. I really wish I can figure out where this comes from, but I think I know. I do not trust myself as a woman, and always felt like my voice is too low and ineffective.

         I feel I would never be able to show this Journal blog to anyone who knows me beside my husband, because they would see it as a freak of art, and be disgusted with me. It hurts that my acquaintances/ family don't get me.