Overabundance or Underabundance

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             Saturday, Last Week.

            It was just too much. Overabundance of talking to the stranger, whom I thought was a overly special person and turned out to be even more messed up than me with 25 years over me, adopted and ignorant of his emotional deregulation and expectancy of everyone around him to be perfect, while he himself acted like a naggy child desperate for attention, which was so obvious that I misread it as sarcasm. I spoke all night to him, despite his warning about not getting too caught up in a stranger's admiration of you, and I enjoyed his special attention and his was of making me feel like an equal. The next day looking back I felt creeped out. Especially when I saw him going against all his so called beliefs. I should have stopped when he said he loved junk food. Why did I believe that distinguished mask he wore? Sure enough, in the afternoon as I stepped into the room and spoke to his wife he mocked me by announcing childishly, "Ha she told me her whole life story last night..." I was shocked. Suddenly, nothing meant anything. All because I thought he was adopted and GOT it.  Because he told me about his ability to read people. But his wild antics ruined any respect I had left for him.

               And today. I bought cookies, croissants, a pastry with apples, and a donut for my husband which I bit into. It is too much, too good. I felt that way in the mall too, shopping for myself and for my daughter. The kids weren't sleeping and I was stressed. The thought that I was Overfilling my tank kept creeping up. But my bio sister also feels guilt when she is too much for herself. She attributes it on others too. It is not pretty.

           But that man, he had fake charm. He acted interested as long as it was all about him. When it was no longer, he disengaged. He does not allow for others to receive too much. I do not like it about him.

I hope I do not overfill myself or act stingy to myself. Neither is pretty.

Teal Swan says wanting alone time is inauthentic, because if you were being authentic you would need people. You wouldn't think others cannot handle you or vice versa. Humans NEED eachother. I agree, and I guess my annoyance at others is from resentment that I am not myself.  

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