Rejection Again, The Pain Keeps Reappearing

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            I don't know what it is bit but I am feeling very stuck, hurt and rejected. I wrote my biological brother's adoptive mother an email to update on the information I found, and to ask if anything is new with her son.

             She answered curtly that she feels her son and my other brother both have very different ways of searching for themselves, and it does not involve the craving to meet their birth families, it is more inside and feeling out of place in their skin. Then she said she was thinking of my brother whom I grew up with, and that there are things she came up with that she wouldn't put out in an email. She answered fondly and that was it. It tugged at my heart and I feel like crying. I just feel so rejected once again. I don't know what her deal is. She is kind of closed off and not very engaging. Or maybe it's me. But it's my feeling. I guess I don't know how to take in anything other than a positive, agreeable and empathetic answer with help. I feel she is kind of putting me down by saying I am searching for birth family to find myself and it makes me wrong. And that the boys are better than me because they KNOW something is wrong in them. I FEEL so stifled. And rejected by the fact that they don't see eye to eye with me about my need for birth family. And my own insecurity of not belonging to my birth family as well. I feel this is too much for me and I will cry right now. Why is everything so hard? I have such an aversion towards women pushing my feelings away as well, and that probably comes from all the feelings of being adopted, emotionally cut off, and relinquished. I have no female woman to look up to from my past. I don't trust any of them. Hopefully I will find one in one of my relatives when I meet them later. 

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