Tension Between Humans and Codependent Need to "Fix" Each other

          One thing Anne Lammot said she was sure of about life, she says in a TedTalk video, was that we cannot save others and as much as we try it is up to them to change, and trying to fix them is disrespectful. Kudos!! True of her for that. I really wish this was more popularly known. My mother is an avid fixer of others, thinking that if she doesn't help them she is "uncompassionate." She always tried to fix her children by accusing them and yelling at them when they did something she didn't like. She cannot separate herself from them and their own deeds. So many people are like this, thinking if they don't do everything to help others that makes them a bad person. I used to be of this belief very much as well. I still feel enormous guilt when I am not doing everything to help and fix others. Such as knowing people are suffering but not being a listening ear or having them know that I support them. You cannot always show your support to people because they may not be receptive in taking it. And you may have your own issues about showing them support because it is not true to your true self. My mother tells me that helping my father, her ex who abused her, is something she has the ability to do because she takes care of herself. That is her truth, but I doubt it is true.

           There is the guilt when we can't be there for others in codependents, that we don't know the difference between what we actually ARE capable of doing for others and what we feel we should but cannot handle truly. Right now I feel a lot of disconnection from most people, family and strangers on the street, because I have such a hard time trusting and letting my guard down. I learned that I cannot trust most family members, so it pains me that I cannot help them. I know about their pain and tribulations, but I also know it is toxic for me to help or show willingness to help. Firstly, I don't know what they will think of it and they might exploit me and not understand my intentions are pure, as well as my own uncertainty of intentions because of my resentment at their past betrayals of me. So I figure the best way to help them would be to stay away and promote healthy boundaries, while feeling for them and wishing them the best from afar. I truly do feel sorry and bad about what they go through, but it hurts that they have such wrong expectations of me and low regard.

        For example of how I was trying to hard to fix another, I was supposed to have a cleaning lady yesterday at 1, but she came to the wrong door and I missed her calls due to not having service in my house sometimes. She was an immigrant, and left me a voicemail showing how angry she was at me that I did not answer her. Right away, guilt rose in me and I feel shame and wanted to apologize profusely. But then I looked at my reaction and thought this was coming from shame, and is it really my fault and is her anger justified? No, she should still talk to me respectfully even though I missed her calls. She was playing a victim and acting like I meant to hurt her on purpose. So I felt better as I ignored the message and went on in my extremely stressful day, confident that I had the right to do what made me most comfortable.

            Another thing that happened today was that a woman stopped me in the street to say that she saw me everywhere and wanted to know if I lived around here. I automatically tensed up, feeling her judgement of me being everywhere, that maybe I had no life. I watched how as we spoke and I got to know her deal (she was just as insecure if not more than me and was just trying to make her way in life), how all the ways we expressed ourselves projected from how we felt inside. For example, when she said she felt stifled in this community as well as me, I noticed her nervous laugh and felt her discomfort with herself. I saw this woman as a young girl being scolded by her parents and feeling insecure with her schoolmates. It shocked me that I could see so much about her in one conversation. I tried to keep it light, and she tried to rush away out of perhaps discomfort with my gaze, or how I was able to open up a little and share some of my story with her. I listened to her story a bit and tried to stay present. She felt a need to say we should exchange numbers. I was grateful for the friendliness, and jumped to agree. I saw my own need for validation and felt some shame over it. I don't know if I am ready to connect with someone without being validated in return, and although she was a little validating, I still felt a sense of confusion with her. Due to the slight enmeshment I felt with her, I do not feel safe to connect with her.

          I wish there wasn't such feelings of separation between us humans, and insecurity about our feelings towards each other. So many strangers I see make me feel that they don't trust me and vice versa, and I realize it is because everyone is looking to depend on one another to help fix each other. And if they sense that they cannot or the other person will not, there is an air of fear and anger at the other. I sense it, and it pricks me daily. I just wish I can be more willing to accept that I don't have to fix anyone and they don't have to fix me. That way we can live in peace and enjoy one another without strain. Perhaps when we focus on our own problems and making ourselves happy, we won't see others as such a chore.