The Old Inner Void Coming Up

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        Last Week, Thurs.

           Crushing sadness. I think I am getting to the root of who I really am. It's the feeling that will never go away. I try to shush it with ice cream, but this time it just won't. Go away. Humanity is against me. There is nothing to live for. Nothing left to feel joy from. My birth family does not care about me after all. In reality. Nobody wants to take care of this young girl needing love. Nobody cares enough to make time in their day to meet me. My mother is tired, my sister is working all week, my cousins are busy, another cousin says there's too much traffic. So here I sit alone. On a bed. With my wild baby smiling and blowing raspberries. And I am not even here. I am else where. In the pain of isolation and hell. She is alone. Nit physically, but emotionally. Is that what they all want? For my child to feel neglected too? Begood4000 says that the world wants everyone to be pulled down to their program and turn a blind eye to abuse and pretend all is normal. I see that. And I'm alone. With a full stomach ache and regret. And struggling with the pain of my deepest well- nobody is there. All I have is myself. And it stings. After all I have done  coming here and showering daily and putting on fresh clothes. Going out fully dressed and pretty, with nowhere to go. Having scheduled my days to hopefully meet someone of my kind, with no one available. Hurt sorrow and confusion fills my gut. There is no one at home even to want to call to unload. No one hears anyway. Everyone is busy in their own problems that they have no room for me. I would think that HOPEFULLY my real live blood family truly cares and welcomes me, but no they too don't love me. My father is the only one who seemed fully interested, but even he is working and also never received unconditional love. I just don't know where to go anymore. I am traumatized and I tried everything. I guess you can say I turned over every rock to find happiness. But the dread inside never disappears. I wonder if it ever will. Nobody can fill it after all. I just thought I can make it a little better. I keep get high hopes for life but it never comes so easy. That's too much high hoping. I keep getting smacked down. I hope G-d sees this. And if He loves me I hope He makes it better. I guess my reality inside always felt doomed, and now it's coming up. Maybe it's time to release it and accept my reality that it'll stay there no matter who I meet. That I can only work with it slowly to let it go, and not just pretend that my outside happiness will make it all better.

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