Third Eye Opening, and Wanting to Visit Birth Family Again

          Ralph Smart said in 10 Uncomfortable Signs Your Third Eye Is Opening that if you start to feel like the regular conversations people have bores you and you need more. You are wondering about why we are here, and deeper stuff. He says the thing is that once you know more things, you can never go back to not knowing. Another way to know if your third eye is opening is if you just want to travel, see more things. Another thing different about you is that you start paying attention to what you're eating because you know it affects your energy. I agree with all these things, and have them happening in my life. I do feel like traveling more, and I don't get as affected by others on lower vibration than me. I understand that they are not there. 

           Ralph also said that a way you know your third eye is opening is if instead of answers, you have more questions. This is definitely in my life, I am constantly wondering about things and am bothered by questions. Such as why my daughter feels my emotions, how would I get over my grief of losing my birth family in life, would I ever get over it, why my parents don't understand me, what I could do to get along with people who don't see me...etc. I constantly wonder about why things are the way they are. Something that really confuses me is why people think following a religion is a "comfort"- because I would think that in knowing there is a God watching you and that you are responsible for completing a mission in life does not make for a comfortable slumber. If anything the opposite is true. But in a way it provides people who are actually working hard towards their goals to expand and better a comfort, because their efforts are backed by a reason and a love for doing God's will. Which would be to grow and make something of yourself. The greatest joy comes from fulfilling a goal and accomplishing feats. That is what we are all here for. Life struggles get in the way, and we lose connection and purpose. But we can always reconnect by finding our hope once again.

            I went to the Adoption Group Meeting today to sort out my feelings post-reunion. I of course felt like crying when the first thing I heard was a birth mother saying how she didn't care if her daughter wanted "space," she still wanted no space. I felt the same way about my birth family, and a rush of missing them came over me. It was creepy to think about it, but my emotions still do not really make sense to me. Someone else said that us adoptees process more than the birth mothers from the 60s who had some of us because we are more advanced in emotion processing, and it struck me how lucky we were.  And I agreed that we kind of hold our biological families together when we get in touch sometimes, because they heal that way. I noticed that when I met my birth mother and sister together, there was a new created feeling between them of more empathy and understanding, and my birth Mother certainly opened up a little more. I felt honored and humbled to be a catalyst to the change in other's lives, when I went in solely for my own needs. 

             I still don't know how I feel about my birth mom, there is a lot of emptiness but that is probably to hide my disappointment. She really was unable to feel her emotions, or mine at all. I told them how I am wrapped up in my birth father now and do not focus on her, and they understood that she was emotionally unavailable so that was probably why. I got insight about their own euphoria at their reunions, and how some felt that when they met birth family in their teens they were too vulnerable and starving for familial love, while others said it would not have made a difference what age they would have met them, they would always feel that yearning for closeness. One guy said that he began to identify his "adoptee" feelings more vividly and see his adoptive parents with more appreciation after reunion with birth parents, because he finally placed a finger on what was missing and found himself feeling better about himself. I appreciated that, yet I still feel longing for my birth parents and ambivalence towards adoptive parents. I voiced my resentment towards adoptive mom, and how I don't feel any loving daughter-like bond with her. They listened, quite non-judgemental. I love going there because from the first day I stepped in, I felt a part of something and belonging for the first time. It was about two years ago when I started, and it's amazing to see how far they have all come. The girl who came my second time there whom I gave tissues to because she was crying the same way I did the first time, is now stronger than many of us and has a tough voice on the matter of feeling like an unwanted daughter. She grew tough and formed a solid self, behind all the statuses of a nurse and goody-two-shoes daughter. I feel that everyone there is strong and speak of their tragic lives like the weather, and I am constantly awed but what comes out of their mouths. I feel a connection because my story is so rare too, as one man told me there. To be one of 5 siblings all given up yet know of one another, and have the ability to meet my parents in a blink.

              Anyway, the head of the group, a strong birth mom who has been through reunion and adjusting to the relationship for a decade, advised me to visit my birth family and spend more time. It lit up in me that this was precisely what I wanted and needed for sense of peace. Past few weeks have been filled with questions and mystery about them. Curiosity that was not quenched. As she said, you should do this it's the time you can take now. I may need this for my identity.