Threatening Divorce and Other Crazy Escapades

            I got into a massive fight with my husband yesterday, because I was just out of alignment with my purpose of life and sense of self. I did not appreciate what I was or had, and it went on from the morning. I was just too caught up in growth and how much more I should be learning and doing, and visiting my parents in my father's rehab center where he was staying, that it all left me. I felt unworthy and undeserving of being a mother, and my daughter felt my tension and wouldn't fall asleep. So my husband resolved to go to sleep, and I was left with her late at night when I was exhausted and spent. As I watched her, I began to think of how lonely she felt, and I could not erode it. I was damaged, and I thought of how NO ONE cared about me. No one understood me, or cared enough to try, even my husband was too weak to see y goodness and I was left as the only person to hold myself up. A tear escaped me and I cried softly, "No one cares." I was hoping for my husband to be my loving presence, because I had no other hope even though I did not want to wake him. But alas, he was not so loving and understanding, and asked what's up and I said I did not think I could love my daughter because no one was there for me, and then he told me that it was not true and that I could love her. I got hurt and mad, and told him he was full of lies. He got angry, and burst into rage about how I am too stuck in my own emotions and cannot see logically. I just continued to cry helplessly and told him to shut up. I couldn't stand it anymore how everyone, even him, just didn't care about my feelings. I remembered Nancy Verrier talking about how adoptees act from their child self emotions, and need compassion and love through what they're feeling. I thought of how I was in trauma vortex and couldn't see things the right way. I ignored my husband as he implored me to answer him as to why I was being so stubborn and self righteous, willing him to leave me alone. He didn't, and kept yelling and even shaking when I told him he was garbage and worthless to me because he pushed me down in my worst state. I told him this was it, there was nothing here and it was time to go our separate ways instead of being so entrenched in each other. I t was time to grow up and get what we needed, and that was not each other and on the contrary, he just held me back from growing because of his unwillingness to grow with me and just following me like a nuisance. He shook and yelled that I "cannot say those things because they weren't true," and I just looked at him like an obsessive weirdo that couldn't talk normally. Our daughter just sat and jumped up and climbed, seemingly unaffected. I thought of how I was hurting him, but how hurt I was, and I felt I had to protect my inner child or else I would become enmeshed and lose my self.

Finally, at 1 am, after I ignored him and we both slowed down a bit, my daughter was sleeping, and he was acting more rational, we started talking and he explained why he got mad and I was still saying we should divorce. I was no longer so angry, just confused and exhausted. He explained to me why we did love each other and that we DID have good times were we were together and not trying to get the time over. I said we still did not help each other, and that he wasn't as motivated to change. He said he was not happy truly, and all the things he did to distract himself did not help him and he still has nights where he is up in the wee hours and feels despair thinking about life's meaning. He does not feel good about himself, and feels different than his family. He said when I said I couldn't be a mother it triggered him because it reminded him of his parents, how they were just willing to give up raking care of their family because of their low self-worth and anger. He hated how I said he belongs with them and he is so happy there, because as he said, he did not want to go there much anymore. I finally felt bad for him, and saw his pain and apologized for throwing something at him. We both fell asleep right away.

I feel so guilty, but at least now I appreciate my life after noticing all the fake couples on Facebook who smile but I can only imagine that they fight as much as we do and most get divorced, and I am lucky that I have a man who is willing to open up to me and we can be our truest most wounded selves in front of each other and not give up fully. Yes, it is bad, and terrible, but we do not truly hate one another, and do have compassion for each other when we calm down. It is insane and terrible. But I regret it and feel bad about how I treated him. And we need to work on it. I only hope my daughter grows up not as scarred as I think she will with this episode.