Trusting Emotions Feeling Cut Off Inside

-
        Last week Wednesday, on my trip to see my birth family. Nobody was showing, and I was sinking into the vortex.

        Lisa Romano How to trust your intuition -emotions is energy in motion. If parents stopped it the emotion got blocked and you are in resistance to it. Did not allow you to be your authentic self and be all you can be, magnetic self attracting energy and what you want. Need to go back and feel all your emotions. Tell yourself when you are feeling something that it is normal and okay to feel it. This way you are not in resistance and can feel the emotion and not react. Many of us are asleep and just reacting from how our parents hypnotized us. Because when we're little we learn what's okay and what isn't to feel.

          My emotions are taking over. I just wanted a family. But my birth parents barely feel like family. All these questions like did you want me am I important at all and how can you prove it? And even if you do,what good is it now? They are so diffwrent from me it's so taxing to have to find all the similarities. I'm starting to feel the worst pain like this was all God's plan to see us all born and raised with different parents. With our own issues and unique personalities, and that we really have no connection besides for some genetic DNA links. But we don't feel like family. We feel strange. And I never felt like family to my adoptive family either. It was always pretend and fake and everyone's kindness was only to make THEM feel good. But I never felt good. I always felt like an extra thumb. A bother that shouldn't exist. I didn't belong anywhere I always stood out on the side watching. Like a sea monkey. And now I feel like it again. How can I trust myself? How can I love my own daughter? Will anyone ever love me? Will I ever be in a family? 
My birth older cousin told me family is sometimes not the moat important, you don't always get along sometimes friends are better family. What if you never felt part of anything? How do you jump to step 100 after having nothing? 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Insanity

-
          I am so angry. When did everything become so okay? When did emotions become so evil? Why are people so evil? I was pushed down all my life, and gas lighted by every one I know. I am beyond angry, I want to scream until everyone can hear me and get shaken up to their core like I was. Unless they really are not human, and are just masking it in their human bodies. Pretending to be happy, pretending to care, pretending to smile. When all their lives they were just LYING. Lying to me that they were right and I was always wrong. I was never able to feel my feelings. They were always bad and stupid and immature and petty and silly, well I almost died from them, does that satisfy them now? When it all blows up in their faces and they are left shocked with ugly disfigures. HA!          Omg I sound insane, crazy, delusional, straight up retarded.          I don't know what I was meant for in this life, but it...
Read more

Projecting Our Inner Fragmentation on Others Makes Us Need To Control Them

-
We can only change others if we are whole inside. Otherwise, they will sense that we are trying to control them... For our own sake. To make us feel better about our own blocks. I realized this as I was trying to make new friends. I wanted validation for who I am... But I get confused with how much I want. I know that I need to have self-love first because then I am just relying on others for my self-worth. To make me feel good about my shortcomings. And then it usually falls flat, because they cannot fully contain all my issues. Joe Soll my adoption therapist, told me that a husband or wife cannot be a therapist to one another. That makes perfect sense, because they need to live alongside each other, and not constantly dealing with each other's issues. I guess, I confess, that I have been trying to change other people in every relationship in my past. I did not accept their differing viewpoints, because I felt so in lack myself, and thought that I had to get other's approval...
Read more

Finally Accepting Myself

-
I am realizing more now that my daughter is affected by my withdrawing because I can’t focus and be present, and I am lacking seriously in love. It comes from the lack of love for my certain parts, thinking they are unlovable. It scares me when I see her talking on and on to me, trying to extract attention from me in neediness to be seen. It also worries me when I see her not feeling comfortable to eat, because I am not paying attention to her and making her feel comfortable. I worry that she hides her pain of not being loved because I am impatient and short with her at times, I guess because my own inner self was not loved enough at her age. She also tries to hand me back food, as if imitating me trying to please her. I also realized that my intake of not the healthiest foods, like corn cakes and cheese, teaches me to want them also, and then I give them to her those kids of food and keep salad and fruits for myself, while she just nimbles on them. This makes me realize that I am no...
Read more