What It Is That Hurts/ Meeting Bio Bro's mom

         This was written last week on Tuesday.

I feel a bit sad and unhinged right now. Something inside is aching. I will try to pinpoint it by writing what happened.

           I met with my biological brother's mother today and she drove me to a fancy sushi restaurant. She was very quiet and inquisitive. She smiled widely when she saw me, and I was quiet and unsure. The ride there was quiet, and as she tried fastening my daughter's car seat with me into the car following the instructions. She also tried tightening the strap on the high chair there even when I told her I didn't mind if it was lose I want my daughter to have freedom. She didn't want her jumping out though. She said we'll talk more in the restaurant because she kept getting annoyed at the GPS directions. I silenced myself. Then we spoke about why I wanted to meet birth family, she wanted to hear about mu identity issues that I told her about. I told her meeting them made me feel whole because I previously only knew myself through my adoptive family but felt there was more. She was silent and I wondered what she was thinking. We spoke about my father's family, and she told me she knew of my biological cousin and that her son played with her as a child. She said that our birth mother used to stalk her son, and although she agreed to meet often she took it too far and one time showed up in their home cause the door was unlocked. She said that was too much and she stopped meeting often. Also her son was scared of being kidnapped by his birth mother, and she told him that no body can take him without his consent, and told him to make himself limp. She seemed a bit tough, and explained how she adopted him and that she and her husband wanted to build a family this way after her infertility. I just nodded. Although the adoption was closed she did my birth mother the favor of seeing her until her son refused in his early teens. After a mall episode where our birth mother wanted him to come home with her and our birth father told her it wasn't right, and she threw something in her anger and the adoptive mother went to the police station nearby to show her son that they were not going to be victims. She also told me that the agency had a child who needed a permanent home, and the family fostering was not sure if they could keep it because of problems, but then they found a family for it because they had the sibling and wanted to keep them together. And that was me!! I started crying because I was fostered for my first 6 weeks, and she told me it was sad, but not affective because then I went to my family. I felt she didn't understand and said I still was given away again. She said I had good intuition to know this. I said it affects me subconsciously and is still in me. Trauma is trauma, and is not any less important just because of relativity to something more traumatic. 

        She told me about her son's issues, he had problems in school and she blamed the teachers for not telling her that he was at a low level of learning. She took him to learning classes for kids with problems learning, and asked the teacher if he had Aspergers. She answered that she cannot say and they should check by a psychiatrist. Again there was irritation in her voice, and she said this made her think it was not true. They only found out that something was wrong through a different teacher, who referred them to a special psychiatrist to diagnose and he confirmed it. This changed everything and he went to a special program for the last year of his high school and did very well because of the special attention. It made me sad when I heard he was scared of talking to people, and told his mom at early ages that he didn't want to go to parties because of "peer pressure" which really meant he didn't know how to have social interactions. She said he used to like certain activities but he stopped, like drawing and singing as a child. I mentioned that perhaps it was because of how he was criticized and she adamantly disagreed. Which  was weird because she did agree with me that adoption brings trauma, as she noticed that as a baby he would cling to her hair abd needed her next to him to sleep. She said she was used to taking care of people because she was brought home to attend to her mother at 5 years old when she was sick, and also she raised her younger siblings. At one point she didn't want to have kids because of it. 

            She agreed with my mom's view that kids need to leave home to be self sufficient, which is why she had her son move to his own place. She really loves him becausee she was deeply  interested in helping him by meeting me. But he is not ready to meet because feels too different. He is happy to be diagnosed, because now he knows he is not a "retard." I am sad.

        Teal Swan says that being spiritual is going head on into your dark sides not only path of joy. It is resistance responsible for pain life.