When Stuck In Trauma Vortex, It Does Not Mean You Are Bad Just Because You Cannot Be Your Best Version Now

             Nothing in life is perfect. I have to keep reminding myself, because sometimes I get stuck in idealization of how things are, when it is not true. For example, this morning I got stuck in being perfec, and not having to ask G-d for help, because I was doing okay on my own. This came about because of the stressed morning I had, by going to pick up some immunization blood forms for my daughter from her doctor. They ended up having to draw blood from her, we had to cancel another appointment we had, and I hear a baby screaming bloody murder in the other room from his shots an I was highly disturbed. I kept trying to ask if we can come back another day, when we were more prepared, because I did not want my daughter to go through the pain of getting shots and I was terrified of the cries of the child who was being treated mercilessly. It really triggered me into feeling the emotion of helplessness, and anger at detached grown-ups who did not consider his cries to be of significance for them to feel bad about what they were doing. It hurt me to the highest degree, and anger flooded my system. I had no choice because the shots were mandatory, although I was thinking of becoming a minority and holding back from going through with them. But I held my daughter and apologized sadly over and over again, and explained that it was necessary for her health. She cried and screamed anyway, but at least it was not the doctor whom I feel is extremely cold towards feelings of children and feels she has authority over them, and I allowed her access to my breast for comfort. The nurses who did the job were codependent, without a mind or opinion of their own that they felt worthy of expressing. I felt bad for one when she spoke softly to me to instruct me of when I can get the results, in a childish voice.  I thanked her and ran out of there without another word towards any of the other robotic slaves there. It felt so low-energy there, and I felt the familiar old sense of social status importance and feeling controlled by professional paperwork.

            When I went home, I felt hunger pangs and severe discomfort in my emotional body. I wanted to eat, and drown in errands and baking. But I stayed calm with it, and told myself that my daughter needed her sleep and I would help her do that. Food can wait. I meditated a bit while doing it, and came up with realization that I was in a trauma vortex and it was OKAY for me to not feel good and grateful for my life at the moment, because I was drowning emotionally and needed to focus on that. It does not mean I am fully BAD and at the point of no return, I could drop that overwhelming guilt that threatened to over-cloud. Instead, I focused on trying to see what I could do, and that was admit to being in a low vibration state and that it was normal for me. I acknowledged that it is hard for me to be happy and my productive self, and I need time. But I am not throwing away hope of seeing the light when I can again, I know there is more to life then this state of being, and there is so much to be grateful for when I am ready to feel good again. Life comes in waves, up and down. Victor Oddo said in a video about 5 encouraging things for light workers to realize, that the fact that they just believe in themselves enough to click on this video shows that they are going to be okay because they KNOW deep down that everything is gonna work out.

         When i admit my faults to myself, I can believe that my daughter loves me too, because I am open to being imperfect and that it does not make a point-blank BAD person. I have ups and downs, like everyone else. It is not the end of the world, and as Jerry Wise says in his video of how to stop black and white thinking, you need to realize that there are different percentages of how good or bad something is, and the black and white thinking is caused by fully focusing of the bad and it is unrealistic.