When We Judge Others, It is All From How WE See Things.

       I realized that when I judge people as ignoring me or being rude, it comes from me fully and the fact that I make that up in my head causes me to distance from them automatically, whether they are actually bad people or not. I am insecure, and I have this long held subconscious belief that people do not like me. That they look at me weird, that they are always judging. But really, that is only because of my belief that they are!! They may actually be nice people, and want a hello and smile and genuine acknowledge from me. But I turn a cold shoulder and scurry away, terrified that they will or do dislike me. It is something I want to change, and when it happens in stores I feel very uncomfortable about it, but I am caught in the headlights and feel on guard as if I am being attacked. Begood4000 YouTube channel says that codependents are overly serious in social settings, because they are so on guard because are used to being screamed at or mocked that they don't know how to relax and be natural. This is what I noticed happens to me. I hate it, and I hate feeling like everyone hates me and is just looking to judge.

      Another thing is, there are genuinely insecure and people who DO want to judge you. They look at me up and down, because I look different in that I don't put too much emphasis  on my outer appearance and like to dress how I want. I wear a lot of colors and sometimes do not always match 100%. But this is me, and I like to feel comfortable and not confined to the style most people thrive on wearing. It's just a question of being able to discern which people are the kind ones and which are haughty and focused on externalities. I feel like lots of people I meet are like me, and they are scared of connecting and reaching out to strangers for fear of rejection and insecurities like the ones I have. I feel so sad about this because it means we are disconnected from one another and like in fear of others, having to be confined to our own minds or handful of friends/ family. When will we wake up and realize that we all are part of each other, and affect each other not just by outward actions or speech but also by just seeing and hearing about one another. I feel like so many of us are really that wounded from our babyhoods that we can't see ourselves are having any affect on the outside world and people.

      I noticed that since talking to my birth father, I speak with my brother differently. It's like it is hitting me that I have a choice to speak to him, and of what to say. I don't have to baby him so much and give him so much, when I don't genuinely feel like it. I used to dread his talking to me because he was soo draining, and I HAD to listen because he NEEDED it. GUILT DROVE ME TO feels that way, and the fear that he didn't like me if I was rude or upfront about my feelings. So now that I speak with my birth father and actually enjoy it, I see that I can enjoy my brother too and not feel scared that he didn't like me unless I acted perfect. I guess I am getting mplore confident now that I connected with another family member and they didn't hate me, and I see that I am worthy. I used to take my brother for granted and feel I HAD to talk to him in order to be a good sister, but now I feel good about talking to him and no longer hide my voice. I feel more real and important. So happy.

        Lisa Romano said in latest video about how to know when your ready to date after narcissist abuse, that when you wake up loving life and not only the person you are with are you ready. Also when you are happy being by yourself. Also when you don't go down the rabbit hole every time someone says something that offended you. She said that when we are raised by below-consciousness parents, and most people in the world are, we are taught to think that voicing our opinion or feeling is not allowed and we can't "rock the boat," so we start to feel wrong in our feelings. It is a crazy thing to have to ignore the elephant in the room, like the drunk parent, and pretend everything is okay when we don't feel that way. I guess I grew up like this in that we could not say our sadness and fear when my father lost his temper and we got yelled at and punished, and my mother ignored our fighting and told us we just better stop. Or my brother crying and throwing things and blaming my mother for all his problems. Or him hurting me physically. I remember having to hide my feelings to myself and feel overwhelming sadness in the heart all the time. It was a living nightmare. 

         So anyway, I realized that I may not be ready for intimacy yet with another person, because I am still living in "survival" mode as Lisa says. Still trying to make it in life. I am getting there though with this information. I am relieved to know that all my resentments towards my husband are not because we really are not for one another. We do love each other but get triggered and I blame him for my problems. Such as when I feel he doesn't appreciate me, perhaps it is because I don't truly appreciate myself and see my worth of appreciation. And when I feel unappreciative of him it is because I am not seeing HIS worth. We both get holed up in rabbit holes sometimes, and act childish and expectant of catering to. We both need help in feeling like we can make a difference. Stuck in trauma vortex. I can admit that he is a good man on that he does not expect me to be perfect and accepts me the way I am. I know that he sincerely appreciates me for being loving and taking care of our daughter. I know he tries his best to be responsible, and make money. I know he wants us to be happy. He is better than a lot of men out there, who scream at their wives and expect dinner served timely despite having to care for a baby. Who don't wait around hours while their wife calms and rocks a baby before we can eat or get things done. Who don't want their baby to be happy over everything else. I am lucky.

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