Disowning Our Insecurities in old photographs
Extremely interesting. I went to the photo store to develop some pictures of my birth family for when I see them again. I figured my Dad would want some because he told me he likes to look at the pictures I gave him. As I was going through them, I noticed my aversion towards some of them. I kept feeling like I did not want to develop them, but then thinking that they were good memories... I was conflicted. It was because I was judging myself, and did not like aspects of myself that I saw in the pictures. I remembered how in the past, I hated a picture of myself from earlier on, and after some time I grew to love that same picture. The reason was because I saw myself in the picture as beautiful, and no longer ashamed of the imperfection. I decided that all the pictures were important, and they each told a different story. But not always do we see the good in things, and I still do not see the good in certain insecurities I have. Meaning, I still possess shame over them, and I do not own them yet. I try to push the insecurities away from myself, because they are too shameful to me now. I know that one day when I look back, I will miss and love every picture, because I will have integrated who I am and was at that time and not judge myself.
I just heard John Bradshaw on YouTube, Homecoming- Reclaiming Your Infant self part 3 talk about how when a parent shames the child in their narcissistic stage, when they need to be mirrored back that their feelings are all accepted and okay to feel, they disown it in themselves and hate that part of them too. They project it onto others and cannot feel it themselves, but that's why it comes out soo much more because they hate it. Such as anger. If they felt it was not okay to feel, they will resent themselves for having it and when they feel it, they will hate themselves. But it'll only make the anger more intensified. He talks about how all feelings are normal, and a child HAS needs there is no way you can take that away, but when their mother hates their needs because it reminds her of HER own unmet ones, she neglects them in their most needy times. I have to work on this with my daughter. I keep repeating that it is normal and okay for her to be angry and sad and repressed because of how she felt earlier. When I am present with my needs I can help hers.
I was really affected when I saw the second part of his series (above), and he the women and men he worked with on coming back to their child selves that they still have in them unresolved, the woman was screaming and in a trance of anger as her 5 year old self that was not accepted by her mother. She screamed, "I hate you I just want you to be there for me and you are not! I need you to love me! I want you to stop being so enmeshed with me!!" And John said it is normal for her as a five year old to need the love, and she can be there for herself now. Her mother was indeed killing her psychologically by neglecting her emotional needs. It made me cry. Some aspect of me feels those things too. He also said that we need to listen to the emotional child in us, and not live in our "heads" only and try to explain everything away with logic. I agree fully, we get stuck in the logic because the emotions are too painful. It is very brave to pay attention to your emotions. I need to keep telling myself that.
I just heard John Bradshaw on YouTube, Homecoming- Reclaiming Your Infant self part 3 talk about how when a parent shames the child in their narcissistic stage, when they need to be mirrored back that their feelings are all accepted and okay to feel, they disown it in themselves and hate that part of them too. They project it onto others and cannot feel it themselves, but that's why it comes out soo much more because they hate it. Such as anger. If they felt it was not okay to feel, they will resent themselves for having it and when they feel it, they will hate themselves. But it'll only make the anger more intensified. He talks about how all feelings are normal, and a child HAS needs there is no way you can take that away, but when their mother hates their needs because it reminds her of HER own unmet ones, she neglects them in their most needy times. I have to work on this with my daughter. I keep repeating that it is normal and okay for her to be angry and sad and repressed because of how she felt earlier. When I am present with my needs I can help hers.
I was really affected when I saw the second part of his series (above), and he the women and men he worked with on coming back to their child selves that they still have in them unresolved, the woman was screaming and in a trance of anger as her 5 year old self that was not accepted by her mother. She screamed, "I hate you I just want you to be there for me and you are not! I need you to love me! I want you to stop being so enmeshed with me!!" And John said it is normal for her as a five year old to need the love, and she can be there for herself now. Her mother was indeed killing her psychologically by neglecting her emotional needs. It made me cry. Some aspect of me feels those things too. He also said that we need to listen to the emotional child in us, and not live in our "heads" only and try to explain everything away with logic. I agree fully, we get stuck in the logic because the emotions are too painful. It is very brave to pay attention to your emotions. I need to keep telling myself that.
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