Feeling Pain Is My Sanction

           So I fell apart today and felt good about it. It's when I feel my emotions that I feel the most authentic me. It just came pouring out of my eyes, the pain that was too much to hold. It was a great weight on my shoulders, that I was carrying willingly. Until I let it all go. I saw myself for what I was doing to myself, and imagined the junk that was stuck to me. I thought of it last night too, when I was too exhausted and numb to let it go. So I noticed in inside, and prayed for a salvation and a time to let it go. I sighed and acknowledged it. Too weak. Feeling responsible for it and bad. My ego screamed it's not my fault I have a right to have this anger! And the fight inside persisted.

         Did I deserve to have the anger? When my daughter didn't sleep because I was lazy? Because I was too caught up in my self? Too lazy and jaded to be happy. To caught up in the self-blame of being bad for not making my day count. For being down and not having a sense of my identity. Just waiting for something to save me. To be able to save my daughter. From me. From my coldness and inability to feel. My snake eyes watching her innocent pain clouded ones. Begging her to be strong for herself. Knowing she couldn't do it alone. Feeling bad and sad for her. Dreading her future addiction filled life, like mine.

             My husband rocked her to sleep at 10, and an hour later, as I tried to recover and wrote some blogs, she was fully intently awake. I was dying inside as I tried to sing to her. She saw through me. I tried being patient, letting my husband sleep, and got her to sleep half past midnight. Only to be awakened on and off from 6:30 to 8:30. When I took her out of bed finally. Dejected and head sore from tiredness. Decided to make some cookies. Listened to Teal Swan about our Worst Parallel Reality- that being feeling not understood in our reality and having a different one than all around us. It is responsible for most suicide. It is worst than horrific physical living conditions. Guilt rang true with my treatment of my daughter. I got myself to make breakfast for my husband, who was standing idly on the side trying to act chipper. Anger at this flashed through me. As he waited for me to eat so he could start too, I shouted at him, "Why are you pandering so much? Are you your own person, or are you just with me because you think your worthless?" He burst put defensively that he was NOT pandering, and I said so why were you waiting for me to start. You obviously have no sense of self. It made me really angry and feeling alone. Like I was in my own reality and he didn't see it at all. And he was scared of me and it brought out my own feeling weak and I looked down on it. I felt like we should all just get a life and be strong. But my own feelings were brewing.

         I finished eating in stony silence and went into the kitchen. Listened to Ralph Smart- How to Stop Feeling Empty Inside You. He made me see the light. Said let yourself feel your emotions because suppressing them will only make it worst because they need expression. He made me laugh by saying that your parents don't understand you and so you can tell them, "Bye Dad I am traveling to Brazil and you are paying my ticket." I imagined us saying that to our parents. How hilarious it would be to see their faces. How he said that you cannot deny the truth, and do all the same self destructive behaviors and pretend it is okay. I called to my husband and collapsed in his embrace. I hugged him with all the love I had, and the tears started flowing. I trusted him to be there for them, and I felt worthy of having them too. I thought of all my pain and confusion that no one saw but myself, and how I discredited it because of that. I told myself it was okay and good to cry. And cry I did. For about 20 minutes. And it felt so liberating. I thought of my burden from my daughter, and my despair in her tears this morning when I finally yanked her out of bed because of my full bladder and impatience with her non ending need for my breast to fall back asleep and my self-blame for her insecurity. And the way she screamed pitifully as I pushed her sleepy butt onto the cold floor so I could pee. Guilt wracking through my brain. And it escaped me, the long burdens I was carrying. As I felt they were endless. I let myself cry and cry, still feeling the bottomless pitt of darkness inside me. I went to my daughter, who had made herself a little seat in the bottom of her high chair and was huh-ing nervously watching me. I hugged her and apologized. She went back. I cried more. I felt tremendous appreciation for my husband for being my rock. For the knowledge that he was on my side. That he knew  pain. That he understood me despite the angry woman persona. That he knew my weakness and accepted it. I knew his and loved him for his strength. 

            I see that feeling my pain is the only thing real in life, Until I can, all my actions are shallow.