Know Your Past Know Your Self

          People have to realize that trauma causes a person to see themselves as bad, and this is the cause for their falling into negativity and disbelief in their ability to rise. It is not true that they are worthless, it is only how they see themselves. Objectively they are just as capable as everyone else of succeeding. It is all colored by their past how they feel about themselves.

        I used to truly feel unworthy of getting anything done, and felt lower than everyone. It was instilled in me when I was raised. I felt like a nothing, and constantly felt engulfed in self hate and rage. I grew up alone and isolated from everyone inside. I put up a false self to please everyone and make myself worthy of attention, but inside I despised who I was. It grew with me, and angry hateful voices in my head, too. Loads of guilt at every little thing I did wrong. I could do nothing right in my opinion. When I did, I managed to self blame and attribute it to something outside me. 

        We have to get to know ourselves. Who we are and what we can do. There are things I just cannot do because of where I am holding inside. I am still extremely unsure of my self, and my identity. My husband told me yesterday when I was down from not being able to get things perfect, that he saw me as the abandoned baby at times. It marks my identity. I reveled at how true that was. And it made me feel better at not beating myself up for failures. After all, my self perception is still in failure mode, and so I cannot manifest good actions all the time. I need to recognize my cognition and how it can get stuck in trauma. And let it go!! Don't try to mold myself to other's expectations. As someone said on instagram- emotions are there to teach us about ourselves, and guilt teaches us that we are thinking too much about other's expectations and that we need to be ourselves. Guilt is definitely an enemy for me. I see you there.

            I am waiting for the time that I will be able to see myself clearly and know love for myself in good and bad times. Know my thoughts and conquer my negative ones. Understand where they come from and who I really am. This is why we need to know and hold onto what happened to us- to understand what it made us become. Because everything you go through especially as a child has an effect. And only once we know what happened to us can we see who we truly are, despite the negative ramifications. Because we can separate our learned behavior from our true selves. And feel love and light like the innocent child we once were. Unaffected by negative built-up repression. I believe I am very strong for having faced a lot of my trauma. And as I do, life gets lighter and happier. Until the next hurdle. I keep fighting. Each day builds upon another, and the improvements I make become ingrained in me, without me consciously seeing it until I notice how the old battles are a little easier. Life is not easy.