Letting the Light Shine (Feelings)

               I love this feeling. I have more control over my actions and thoughts. I feel more able to do things and be who I want to be, I am feeling more real to myself.

             I think of what I accomplished tonight and I am proud. I packed up 2 garbage bags worth of old clothes, my baby's and mine. Then I took a bath with my baby and got us clean, having fun in the process. And I talked my husband's ear off all about my feelings and what I want to achieve in life. In my narcissistic fashion, trying to make myself feel real and concrete. I need these talks when I spiral into feeling worthless and like I am not here. Stuck in the matrix of a "doing" person, and not truly feeling "alive." A woman I spoke to today said that trauma is something tragic and sudden, and if we don't work on it it can stay with us for even 70 years. G-d that sounded awful, but I know what she means. And I noticed it with her right away- that she had "it"- the understanding of pain and work of dealing with it. I saw in her unwillingness to fake things, and the pain etched on her face. When I had no one to talk to and felt lonely (at the event we were by), and anxiety was starting to kick in, she turned to me with light conversation and then the converse took a deep dive straight into the emotional realm when adoption came up. She surprised me by wanting to know all about my feelings of it. With genuine interest. Hungrily, like that was the most important thing on her mind. I easily complied, and relished on the hidden storage of my emotionally-charged accounts. They say each time you say your story, it provides healing. To get it out in the open. Share with compassionate people who validate it. Get a witness. And suddenly I awoke and was flying again. I embodied what I felt inside, let the emotions out. With glistening eyes as she nodded and gave me encouraging feedback. She told me her son was adopted and she saw that she came to the right person. I felt useful and important, an aid to society. She told me how strong I was for going through what I did, and again I was revived and felt heard. We exchanged numbers and wanted to continue helping each other. It was important to me that she seemed to really care about feelings and had reached the point of not caring about how she looked to others, she just needed to feel real. And so she embodied her pain of infertility for years, and her adopted son's trauma and behavioral issues. She said she sees that she can no longer compare him to kids his age, because adoption is it's own story. I was satisfied with her learning, and nodded confidently. I no longer cared what others believed about me, just wanted to care about my own beliefs. And if she could use it, I wanted her to understand and know it, too.

          It is great that I kept in mind what I wanted to feel at the outting, despite who was there. Fake people, fake smiles, fake conversations. I almost lost my trains of thought and let it all go, but stayed focused on my goals. Wanting to have self-values in place. Didn't eat food thoughtlessly, or try to fit in and compromise my values. It worked, as I sat there feeling the shame and desire to flee, that I attracted truth. And I tuned out all the outside chatter.

            I was thinking, feeling your trauma and expressing it makes you feel real. Teal Swan says in Nonreactivity (A Doorway For Spiritual Abuse) that sometimes when we tell ourselves not to have reactive feelings, it is abuse disguised as good. We need to feel our feelings and not hate them. And of course, not let others insult us for having them. They are there, no matter what is said. Now work with them. I abuse myself with my feelings a lot. It doesn't help them go away. I do it to others too, by telling them not to feel and do something because it's wrong, all in "spiritual" meaning...but we all know it's my ego. I need to let go and let life unfold. I am not in control, but it feels like things are easier this way.