Manifesting the Mind

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Even when it seems the right thing to do, if it comes with bad feelings and resistance don't beat yourself up. Go inside and pay attention.

Teal Swan said we beat ourselves up in the name of being "spiritual," and it's the sneakiest and deadliest thing we can do. It takes away our soul and humanity. And we do it to ourselves and others. It's time to go look in the feelings and be REAL. Because if you are not involving YOU in what you do, it is spiritual bypassing and cognitive dissonance inside. It is a tactic to get you to lose sight of who you are.

I am awesome, and I never believed this about myself even when I saw that I was. Because my outside told me I was a loser and an example of whatnot to do in life. This caused me lots of self-doubt and cognitive dissonance, because if I could not trust my own self perception, how can I do anything right? So when it came to anything in life, I just doubted my skill and general goodness. 

It caught up to me when my inner shouting could not be silenced anymore. And all the while I was still calling myself a baby, and immature worthless brat. As I was home alone and useless and abusing myself from the inside out. All day you could find me raging at myself, and trying to pass the time and reality with pleasures and push the pain away. It was too harsh, raw and blinding to look at in the face. But a part of me knew that the game of hide and sneak was over, that it was time for my homecoming. The men in the white coats came for me, and I let myself be dragged away kicking and screaming in protest. And then I came to experience the greatest peace and bliss that I ever had. Feeling one with myself. Against all of society's expectations and desires. Back atya, Mom. As a brilliant person on instagram I will not name on for privacy ordeals, said, your true self knew it was time to get out and that's why you pushed away the person who abused you. Even though it was extremely hard. That's what happened to me when I was fired from my 9-5 boring job. They knew. I made it known that it was no longer my frequency. 

So yes, life is a harsh sometimes, but these are the moments we grow because our souls are desiring the push to show us what we are made of. What we can get through and overcome, never having to face again. I am experiencing lows with self-esteem because I need to be pushed to believe I can really change my lifestyle. I know I want to. But it's the actions that are hard. Every day I am in training more and more to make my feelings a reality. I need to hear them stronger. I am a strong believer in the inside will become the outside, but I have yet to see it fully. Because my inside is ambiguous and afraid. Afraid of losing my identity. But it's not me to be unsure of my worthiness. I dream of a bigger life where I feel worthy.

That's why I thank everyone who left me in my head. Because I know that only through looking inside myself could I have healed anything. I did it all alone, and I did not have outer validation to make me feel better and ignore my pain. Unfortunately there was no one strong enough in my life to listen to it all, and I had to be alone and fight through the storm to find peace. And I did, although I am still alone. Is this what I want? To be alone forever and that is why I am manifesting it? I guess I still don't believe I deserve credit for being an amazing self that I am. Sigh. When will I see it? Gotta keep trying to believe in myself. I do not need to hold onto that old old belief that I am alone.

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