My Changing Life And Climbing

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When you're not being pushed to your limit to grow, it is harder to do the work and you can forget your purpose. Lax in enjoyment. I find this interesting.

When I am under stress I feel a lot better when I pull out of it. It's like, whew that was a close call from falling off the edge and now I can appreciate everything in my life. And then I fall, because I am not working towards my goals. 

However, when I am living with consciousness and chosing to do things well and happily, and am working with a goal in mind, I am happy too. Despite there not being a low that I pulled out of. I guess sometimes I need reminders like that to push me to live with purpose. And it's funny, because usually WHEN I am not living with purpose I tend to fall into the lows in the first place. 

Life has ups and downs, and I noticed my growth recently. When I wake up, I no longer stress about feeling pressured to get up even though it'll make my daughter wake up. I recognize the trigger of feeling depressed that I can't do something for myself, and calm myself down by letting myself attend my needs if it gets too much. Also, when I am bored and anxious I let myself do something else instead of repressing the feelings and falling further into the hole.

One amazing thing about the growth is how I am able to see life's beauty more, and live less percentage of it in panic and anxiety, itching to make it better. I can take the stressful times more. I noticed today that I was able to walk a long distance without anxiety that my daughter was bored. I felt happy to be present, with her and myself. I think that when I do my own thing she is less stressed because she didn't make the weird noises as much as usual.

I also let myself go a little, and didn't put the usual restriction on myself when I shopped today for some shoes. I usually judge myself and say I cannot get the cool style shoes because I am being too vain, but this time I listened to my heart. I looked at who I truly am now, and not who I want myself to be. And I got the shoes that I always secretly loved. It is time to be myself, and my style will change as I change. But for now, this was me. No need to push myself to do something I don't want to. And I noticed that my style has changed a bit, according to my new beliefs and values. And it is sad, to leave my old favorites behind, but also exciting and new.

I also no longer feel so enmeshed with my husband, as I used to be. I used to get annoyed more when he didn't seem interested in me, but now I see it's him. And I no longer feel such strong urge to make him feel happy. It is relieving, as it used to drag me down. I am becoming more self-aware about what I can handle and what is beyond my abilities to see in an unattached way.

It freaks me out how many people I know seems to not know who they are, and are enmeshed. Trying to save others, feeling helpless. It scares me that I know so much now, and it daunts me how much I can help others. By just showing them my confidence and happiness in living in my true alignment. Sometimes it overwhelms me. But, Ralph Smart says, if you believe it, you will be it. And see it. The possibilities. I no longer feel enmeshed and threatened by differing feelings and mindsets, because I realize I don't HAVE to have everyone see mine. That the ones who don't are not worth my time, and it's okay to not be close to them. I validate my experience more, and don't need as much outer acknowledgement of my truth. 

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