Needs in Intimacy

I don't know what it is. Teal Swan says in her video Fear of Intimacy ...some amazing things. That we have fear of being intimate with people because of how our parents did not let us be ourselves with the feelings flowing, so we learned that intimacy means not sharing our true feelings, and the only way to be yourself is without people. So we put ourselves in a little bubble around others, not trusting intimacy at all, and we greatly hurt others who want to be intimate with us because we shut down at times, leaving them wondering what happened. We won't speak of it for fear of losing ourselves, because we simply don't trust humanity. It is terribly sad and I see it all the time in codependent people who have ignoring-emotions parents. They act all sweet but you can sense the distrust and distance. And I always blamed them, but I have it too because otherwise I wouldn't let it get to me so, and I would realize they have a problem. As I saw in quote: that moment you realize that all the advice you've been giving others is exactly what you need to do for yourself. And it's awkward and embarrassing. But so life. And Teal Swan also talks about how these people do not notice the social cues in others about how they feel or what they need you to say when they are down or happy. Since we are so not used to the belief that all humanity is connected and cares about each other, we keep distance and feel bad about interfering or saying how we feel. So it's a lot of gas lighting when others do not pick up and indicate that they see you feelings, and you can't bring yourself to admit that you care about other's emotions because you feel so unseen. I notice it with my in-laws, how they pretend to be okay and become all dramatic if they happen to sink into showing feeling. And everyone becomes on edge and tense when feelings are shown. That's why I never trusted them to really feel real emotions towards them or among their company, because I am very confused about how they respond or don't seem to notice. They are immature and not aware of this. Therefore they get very anxious and upset when I seem to not like them because I keep my distance.

So I realized that my husband and I don't have intimacy because of this issue, and we live in two bubbles in the house. We both don't pick up emotional cues and realize that it's okay to be curious about how the other feels, we get too afraid or uncertain of opening up about feelings. Teal says that when emotions of anger are repressed, the partner feels it and expresses it outwardly because they sense it. This shows the angry person their inner state, and they have the choice to face it or walk away. When both partners admit their emotions, they have a chance at healing their primal wounds of not being seen because they can change that way of relating to the world. This is why emotional love is so great. 

I realize how important it is to develop emotional intimacy with my baby because this will shape her view on intimacy with others. I try understand her well, and also how I feel too. I'm trying to understand husband and what drew him to me. He says he saw me as someone he could be intimate with. But he thought it would be easier or wasn't thinking. As a couple we can be help for each other, but responsible for understanding our wounds. I got angry that he doesn't fill my need for admiration and tell him so. I need praise for things I do that are not easy for me. He said he needs to enjoy himself more and let go of pressure he gets to work more. His parents ingrained it in him to be harsh on himself. The more we are aware of our needs the less expectation we have of others to know them instantly; we tell it to them.