No Escape

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    There is no escaping it. When things are not going my way at all, and they are just not getting any better. There is no where to run. Food doesn't help me anymore. I am just shattered in pain. I can't think anything happy anymore. I am struggling to stay alive, feel like I'm drowning. I have no choice but to face the vortex. No body knows, no body cares. I feel that piercing through me and I can't think of any comfort. The only comfort there is is that one day I will die and know why. WHyyy I had to go through all this. Feeling like I'm in hell. Like I'm nothing. I don't matter at all. I can't feel anything for my daughter. All I feel is anger that she is not doing what I want her to. That is, to sleep. She is misbehaving, acting annoying. I feel like I'm seeing everything blurry. I can't see reality as it is. I am shifty and going through pain that blinds me. I stare ahead. I can't stop the pain, there is no where to run. Anger flashes at my parents. How they couldn't understand. How they were blind to me. How my sister called me selfish and immature. And I realize there is no one to help me. I am alone. I listened to Celtic Healing about CPTSD traits and adoption. She says things that set my soul on fire. That nobody else says. Such as about the primal wound and how it causes us to separate from our emotions. Freeze them in our infant state, in order to survive. And how we must come to terms with them if we ever want to trust again. And realize that our adoptive mothers cannot cope with our trauma either, that it was too vast for them to imagine. The fact that we were just blank slates was so much easier. And I couldn't. I can't. She also said it is impossible for us to have relations without acknowledging the pain that we had/ have. I agree.

          What a day. And my adoptive mother wants to meet up with me, she is desperate to see me. I don't know what I will do. Just let her eat my soul away, or become a rock of resilience? I cannot face her with this anger.

         And my poor daughter. I threw her on the bed angrily after attempting to put her to sleep after one too many times, and barked something at her. I still don't know how she feels because she only cried once and that was when I left the room with her hanging onto the dresser. She started wailing desperately and after five heart wrenching minutes, I went back. A part of me feels bad, but I don't know how I feel.

         If only I had a mirror to show me my pain. Life wouldn't be so empty and impression-less. I am just numb. Mourning, I guess. Traumatized by not being able to get my way.

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