Nostalgia And Finding Myself

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         In a real down mood all day today, and couldn't figure out why. I was working a lot, doing all the things I needed, such as trying to put my baby to sleep again when she was tired but she wouldn't because of repressed anxiety, ate a healthy meal or two, snacked a bit, went to the drug store and picked up baby wipes and roast coffee cups- treats for my husband and I, did a bit of laundry and cleaning... Something was very off though. I did have another terrifying dream that confused me a lot. Of course, something about being in war with people, and saving my baby... drabby. I listened to John Bradshaw about reclaiming your infant self, and then your toddler self, on the Oprah show. He did a session where volunteers would come up on a stage, and one would close her eyes and the other men and women would tell her loving affirmations they thought she would need as she entered the world. Such as, "We love to have you here," and "We are so Glad you're a girl," and "We have a home for you," etc. I cried, as did almost everyone else there. John said that the things we need to hear the most because we did not hear them are the ones that make us cry, and it made so much sense. To me, I cried when they said, "You are welcome and needed here." Or something like that. He also said if you have a strong reaction whether it is a male or female person saying it, that shows how much you needed and didn't have your mother or father there for you. I had a negative reaction with the female voices.

         Anyway, later on I was looking at old pictures on my phone, and I had so much love for myself when I took all the selfies. I saw myself as struggling and trying so hard to make it through each day. I had a narcissistic streak and still do, because I need to love myself. Being that I so lacked it earlier. my daughter also needs lots of love and admiration, and when I am done giving it to myself, I will acknowledge her too. There is soo much beauty in our pictures and moments together. And apart, of course. We are both soo beautiful and perfect.

        I had a hard day and my emotions were crying out to be heard. I could not do much with my whole heart in it. That is okay.

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