Past Trauma I Am Calling Mine

Hi stranger whom I call my own. I am you but I left your body. You are far from me, invisible in the shrouds. I found you again today, as I sifted through my old moments in a second of nostalgic memory. It drew me to yearn for you, and hold you close. Tears poured out of my eyes as I danced with your beautiful grace. I wanted to keep you forever, to lead you through my life and have you enjoy it with me. But alas I am alone again without you. And I feel desolate and empty here on this plane of darkness. I miss what we used to be. I love you.

Yes, you guessed it. I was talking to my child self who lived a life in the darkness, yet managed to feel so free. I miss being her, because these days I am really out of touch with my self. As we get older we lose ability to feel more and more. 

And my baby daughter triggers me to feel those moments of my past which I cannot feel. It engulfs me and I try to push it away by ignoring it. But at the end of the day it gets to me. She is still here and I know the emotions well. I know the pain of feeling forgotten, the pain of feeling little. The pain of feeling lost, the pain of feeling my world spinning out of my grasp. Having to surrender to cold, non understanding grownups. Feeling my little heart stepped on and unheard.

This is what my little girl reminds me of. And I guess we have to be put back into feeling our past trauma in order to get over it, in a safer environment where we understand that we will be okay. As Joe Soll says, to tell our inner children we are there, they are safe when they feel abandonment, hurt, and shame. Many people cannot face the past trauma so they put defense mechanisms in place to block it. But I am getting stronger and stronger. I cry most days, and sink into depression every day. But I pull myself out every day. This was an example of how I saw my inner child once again, caught a glimpse of who I really am. Who I was before the full trauma took over my entire being. When I was more connected to myself. Who I am is feeling. I am a feeler, and a free spirit. A lover of all things real. I cannot handle lies. I live in truth and thrive in it. I wish I can go back. But slowly I am.

My husband brought it out of me by our conversation. The memory of who I am. He said You help me feel supported and loved and I need and admire you. When I asked him if he needs my love, or just admires my qualities that he lacks strength in. It hit me that who I was is useful. And I remembered my pain and strength which made me the strong person I am and always was. I cried with love and joy.

I thought of the holding in arms through the tears method that Aletha Solter advocates for helping children work through trauma. How they need to feel safe to let out their feelings of pain. And I thought about how I need to let out my trauma feelings that are very much stored in my body, when I attract situations in my life that trigger it. It wants to be heard. And these days, all I'm doing really is hearing them call to me. I can barely think of anything else. When I do, the feelings yell out angrily that they are waiting. And I try to run but they catch up, like my shadow. I am always desperately searching for distractions, because it's too much to handle. My trauma feelings are attracting more sadness into my present life that it calls for. To be honest, I am okay with it. I accept who I am in the end.