See World Objectively Instead of from My Inner Self-Perception

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            I realized that we have to see the world objectively instead of only from our POV. I feel selfish a lot when I take care of my needs, thinking they are not legit needs. I feel horrible about myself when I see my daughter stressed out because of lack of attention, and blame myself for all the problems. It is my own self perception, because I was "built" and brought up to feel selfish for having needs. As Richard Grannon said in today's video, we were built for rejection, us emotionally abused. I was built to hate myself for existing, and I have to realize that in order to be able to change. And live a healthier life. And not cause my daughter to hate herself for having needs too.

           I am not perfect, and I have needs. That does not make me a bad person. I still want to get better, and that is the main thing. I ask G-d for help in my journey of growth, because I want to get better and be able to spread love and light to the world. Positive outlook is the only way to do it. I have to start from WHERE I AM, seeing it objectively. See what I am capable of instead of what angry voices in my head accuse me of being compared to my desired place.

         I always thought I had to be perfect and could not see myself objectively. I saw myself as ugly and trying too hard to impress. But I am seeing my true identity more now, and it is one that is imperfect but interesting and trying to change and grow. My identity is not an arch type or stereotype, it is just a girl wanting to be better.

           Only when I see myself objectively can I attempt at self-love and understanding. For example, this morning I was under pressure because of my mother saying something to me that hurt, implying that I was pushy and did not know how to see other people. I just gave her a suggestion about not having to take care of my father so much, and she got very angry about it and today she tried to tell me calmly why I was wrong about it. I was on edge and just let it slide, but my inside was screaming out in pain. And my daughter didn't fall asleep. And my husband was making me feel like I had to entertain him. And I was up late last night trying to help him figure out what was wrong in his mind because he was stressed out. And I felt like screaming. So my husband rocked my daughter to sleep, and I went outside and realized that I needed to release the feelings. And I needed time for myself. I allowed my self-hate to sweep over me, and my self-accusations, The anger at the world. The anger at life. I cried. I tidied up a much needed mess. I asked G-d for some control in my life. I wanted to be good and happy, but I needed the reassurance that I was still okay. I felt very lost. I still do, and I need to understand my needs better. The truth is that I cannot handle my daughter and her feelings inside. I do not have it in me. It hurts me.

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