The Reality Of The Ego Being Pushed And Pulled By Wrong And Right. It Is All You In The End That'll Save You

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That's it. It's all about ego and knowing yourself. In this world we are given challenges that prevent us from knowing ourselves. It is up to us to SIFT through the weeds and discern whether or not something is pulling us down or up. G-d remains hidden, He wants us to prove ourselves. We all came here to get through hell and make our way through unscathed. It is murder. To live in this gigantic, confusing world. Where up can sometimes seem down and down seem up. It's a crazy,  hard world. I am drifting away, yet trying to stay afloat. I hold onto that raft that I KNOW will not desert me. How do I KNOW? Because I FORCE myself to know it, simply because I care most about myself. I don't want to DIE. I want more than anything, and it's the only thing I am certain of, and why I emerged into this bat-crazy life experience, to FREE my soul from hell. I KNOW how bad it is. I KNOW I need life. I know what I need more than anything- and that is to make myself feel better about myself. I go crazy running around in spiraling circles, trying to escape dreadful reality, but I NEED it to appear REAL to me. It is why I cry every time I hear what makes my heart rip apart. That G-d is waiting for us and He loves us. That is what I need to believe in this lifetime. It will set me free.

The reason I have such a hard time seeing it, is because of betrayal. All my life. People who I attached to since infancy, have been stabbing me in the heart. Leaving me numb. Without outside witnesses. Yes, they were hidden abusers, without any outside witnesses to agree with my experiences. I grew up ALONE in my reality, in schizophrenic circumstances. It caused me to LEAVE all my inner intuition, only believing in outward expression as true. I left my body. Left my soul. I want to go back, but I still feel nobody lets me. That is why my inner world holds swords and spades preventing me from entering my own sanctuary. I am locked out of myself, and am stuck floating in hell. And my body grew accustomed to it, enjoying the emptiness of expressionless pleasures. Till I glimpse the hell inside me, and my head explodes with pain. I don't know how I will save myself anymore, it seems so desolate. The evil and lies became so part of me, that I don't even want to leave it. I don't have a clear identity anymore, I am made up of devil and saint mixed up into one. And it seems they cannot exist without the other's support. 

So I will tread carefully, holding onto that raft. That NEED for redemption from the hell that will soon come if I don't embrace love as much as possible. And I walk on. You may see my journey as easy, but in my reality and world it is close to impossible.

It is only when I trust in myself that I can make supportive friends. Until then, my inner negative energy will encircle them and unknowingly peirce their souls, hurting them deeply but them not understanding what just happened. They will feel the same utter betrayal I have been feeling all my life, and that is why abuse can be so hidden, in the most kind-appearing people. I feel in my soul that my true mission is to embrace all people who need me, need my strength in their journey that is woven in similar threads as mine. They need to see me do it so that they can believe in it. But I don't have enough proof that I am real and can make any difference. I need the proof. Without it I am alone again. Perhaps it is narcissism, no it is not that is my devil-side speaking. I need love. I am lacking it. G-d knows, and put me in this exact situation to test me severely. That is the whole trip in life- the hidden knowledge which needs to be claimed by the person and turned into man-made reality. G-d pushes us a little, and we step up to take it as much as we can. But only WE truly know what we can do and what was not in our hands to do. Codependent mindsets set us on fire by saying, "No no no you suck you'll never do anything." The closer we are on the "self-differentiated" and self-understanding side, the more we'll be able to discern what we could and cannot do. But ONLY we can do that work. NOBODY else will save us but ourselves. And when we begin to want to, G-d will send us people and things to set the path right. To heaven. But only we can chose. It's the beauty and truth of life- we create our own.

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